It's not you, it's me
We've all heard this phrase. Maybe some of you reading have even had it said to you by a past love
But what about when it's the other way around, and actually a relationship ends and you know that 'it's not them, it's you'
It is so very easy to be self critical, very easy to find fault in ourselves, but what is even easier is to use the alternative option of blaming someone else
Ive spent a lot of time blaming other people. To be honest I had a long phase where I needed to blame other people because I couldn't handle anymore negative feelings about myself. But over the last year since starting treatment for depression, I think I have grown as a person, and as a result I've begun to see where I've made mistakes, where I've behaved in ways that made me impossible to live with
I've written before about depression, hang on, this isn't going to be one of those blogs. But I have written about it. And one thing I have learnt about depression since having treatment for it, is that it actually effects you in ways you don't realise at the time
I've always thought I was relatively easy going. Sure I get stressed about things, about money etc, the same as anyone else. But I'm the first to admit I've spent many an hour singing and dancing around my kitchen whilst cooking. And I could pretend that it was to Jay-z (is there a hyphen? I don't even know, to be honest I'm not far off calling him Jay Zed) or anything else the cool kids listen to, but it's just as likely to be Ed Sheeran or Michael Buble.....#gangster (I'm not even cool enough to say #gangsta)
But anyway I'm waffling. My point was, I think I'm relatively fun, and I'd like to think a nice person to be around. But the truth is, up until August of last year, I was an absolute nightmare to live with
Looking back, I can see that there were days when there was no way of judging how I would react to something. Would I laugh or would I fly off the handle, shout and slam doors
There was a day that I was so annoyed about not being able to collect a parcel, without ID, ID that I had to walk maybe 100 yards to collect, that I shouted at my ex partner, ignored her son (who was telling me off, and fuck me if a 4 year old is telling you off then there's something wrong) and slammed the door so hard I'm surprised it didn't take the door frame with it. All for a bloody parcel....I can't even remember what it was
I used to over think and overanalyse everything. If there was a problem, however insignificant, something that may have been 5 years away, I'd spend hours thinking about it. Talking about it. Worrying about it.
I wasn't capable of understanding that my behaviour affected the feelings of those around me.
I only ever had good intentions. I worried and tried to plan for future events. Tried to give those around me the best possible life. But I spent too much time in the future and not in the present
I've had 2 long term relationships that contained a lot of arguing. Now I'm not saying that the odd disagreement is unhealthy. I'm not taking responsibility for every fall out. But I'm putting my hands up and acknowledging that I had a problem. I put that problem on to other people. And I rebuked any attempt to help me
Something was said to me once, and this is definitely something many of us will have heard. 'It shouldn't take us breaking up for you to realise that there's a problem'
But I realised stood in Asda this morning that we are programmed from a young age to have this thought process. There was a mum and two kids behind me in the queue today. The kids were sat in the trolley and were fighting with each other.
The mum told them several times to stop. Then she told them that if they did it again then she wouldn't be buying them the cakes they wanted....she did this 3 times. Then she took them out of the trolley twice, whilst telling them it was their last chance. I'm pretty sure they were still fighting as she paid for them
Those last two paragraphs probably sound like a load of crap, but the point I'm making, a point made well by Joni Mitchell, 'don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone'
Sometimes the threat of something isn't enough. Sometimes it takes the action to really achieve something
Do I wish that I had realised this earlier, yes. Do I wish that I had gotten help with my issues earlier, yes. Do I wish I had that last relationship back, not at all.
But I'm grateful. I'm grateful to my ex girlfriend for dumping me. I'm grateful to her for not taking me back, for not helping me through treatment. Because what I have now is a much more positive outlook on life
Sure I have bad moments, days, weeks. I'm not 100% happy all of the time. I still shout, I still lose my temper. But now I can appreciate what's happened. I can apologise and make up for any upset, and I can work on things to stop it happening again
In so many parts of life, work, family, even relationships, It's so easy to try and return to the past. Back to a safe place. Never take a risk and you can never get hurt right.
But that's not how I want to live the rest of my life. I want to constantly challenge myself. I want to fight for things that I care about. I don't want to take the easy option.
My outlook on life has changed. I don't need everything right now. I don't need to know what is going to happen in 5 years. Good things, the right things, are worth waiting for. And are all the more special for waiting
I'm going to try and write more blogs over the coming weeks. I'm going to try and make them more cohesive and less higgledy piggledy (is that correct? Are they even words?)
And hopefully people might even make it all the way to the end
