More than a woman

I appreciate that blogs have been a little sporadic at best over the last few weeks. I've had a similar issue to the one I had a few years ago when my marriage ended. There's a lot I want to write about but the fact that my blog literally has my name on it means that I have to consider other people's feelings and the effect that the words I write can have on them

So it is with trepidation that I start to write today's blog as it is very specifically about my past relationship and the ongoing effect that it has on me

It has been two months now since I became 'single' again. I say single though most dating sites or application forms would call me 'divorced'. But I have no intention of forever being divorced, if that's not a label that says 'I can't make a relationship work' then I don't know what is

So to clarify a few questions I still get asked:

So is it definitely over then? - yes
Was it a mutual decision? - no
Do you think it's for the best? - yes
Does that make it any easier - no

It isn't right to discuss the ins and out of a relationship, let's be honest it would be totally bias anyway since there is no right of reply. However what I will say is I know the part I played in its failure and I will forever have to live with that

What gets forgotten is when kids are involved, you don't just lose a girlfriend. You lose a step mother to your child, you lose a stepson, and two kids lose their step-sibling (is that a word, I'm not sure but I thought I'd save the time it would take to type out step brother and step sister...time that I have now spent debating the accuracy of my statement, well done Ben)

Just over 2 months ago I had a family, in a family home, full of...well, full of mess half the time, but generally full of love. As annoying as kids can be sometimes, there is a huge joy in hearing them play together, running around, making bouncy castles out of pillows and duvets, film nights in dens made of bed sheets, the list goes on

Instead what I have now is a house full of memories. I've moved stuff around, I've tried to make it different, to make it 'my home'. But I have an empty bedroom that's door will probably stay shut until May. I have a half empty wardrobe (though at least I can see all my clothes now) and I have more cutlery and crockery than I'm likely to need anytime soon. My 3 seater sofa is more seating than we need, and I may even have to rename the 'occasional chair' since I can't see much occasion for it to be used now

Now 'helpful' people say 'you wanna get yourself on one of them dating sites'. Well do you know what, I've tried fishing for this and swiping right for that. It's not a solution, it's a temporary distraction at best, and to be honest it's a pretty good way of finding out that there are actually a huge number of people that don't want to get involved with you, you no longer have to limit yourself to the ones you've failed to stay in relationships with. So I don't think I'll be trying to find a match.com or living in eharmony (is that a dating site or a greetings card website, I can never remember)

If this all sounds a little depressing, that's because it is. But I don't feel depressed anymore. The magical medication given to me by the even more magical NHS is achieving its aim. To be honest I'm not sure if it's curing anything or simply telling my brain to forget about it, but either way I'm feeling ok in that respect. Though I had a check up this week and my doctor wants me to start coming off of the pills over the next two months, so I guess we'll see what effect that has

This week has been a reminder to me that we all have problems, even, or especially the people that seem the happiest. But do you know what makes the difference. It's not pills, it's not doctors or anything like that. It's support

Don't make empty offers to 'be there' for somebody that's struggling. I know you think it seems the right thing to do, but an offer of help isn't the same as actual help.

My phone is on 24/7, Christ I even have a watch (hang on, my phone just automatically capitalised Christ, I'm not sure I agree with that, but I digress) that tells me my phone is doing something, so anyone, anyone I know that ever just wants someone to talk to, someone to tell them that they're not being silly, just someone to listen to them, then there is an open offer of that from me

Now I have unfortunately run out of things to write about, which means I have to put my shorts on, get my trainers on and get on the treadmill. Never underestimate the power of exercise to make you feel better about the day ahead....that and the fact I get to have a massive breakfast afterwards

Happy Saturday everybody, let's try and make it happy for everyone