It's not you, it's me
We've all heard this phrase. Maybe some of you reading have even had it said to you by a past love
But what about when it's the other way around, and actually a relationship ends and you know that 'it's not them, it's you'
It is so very easy to be self critical, very easy to find fault in ourselves, but what is even easier is to use the alternative option of blaming someone else
Ive spent a lot of time blaming other people. To be honest I had a long phase where I needed to blame other people because I couldn't handle anymore negative feelings about myself. But over the last year since starting treatment for depression, I think I have grown as a person, and as a result I've begun to see where I've made mistakes, where I've behaved in ways that made me impossible to live with
I've written before about depression, hang on, this isn't going to be one of those blogs. But I have written about it. And one thing I have learnt about depression since having treatment for it, is that it actually effects you in ways you don't realise at the time
I've always thought I was relatively easy going. Sure I get stressed about things, about money etc, the same as anyone else. But I'm the first to admit I've spent many an hour singing and dancing around my kitchen whilst cooking. And I could pretend that it was to Jay-z (is there a hyphen? I don't even know, to be honest I'm not far off calling him Jay Zed) or anything else the cool kids listen to, but it's just as likely to be Ed Sheeran or Michael Buble.....#gangster (I'm not even cool enough to say #gangsta)
But anyway I'm waffling. My point was, I think I'm relatively fun, and I'd like to think a nice person to be around. But the truth is, up until August of last year, I was an absolute nightmare to live with
Looking back, I can see that there were days when there was no way of judging how I would react to something. Would I laugh or would I fly off the handle, shout and slam doors
There was a day that I was so annoyed about not being able to collect a parcel, without ID, ID that I had to walk maybe 100 yards to collect, that I shouted at my ex partner, ignored her son (who was telling me off, and fuck me if a 4 year old is telling you off then there's something wrong) and slammed the door so hard I'm surprised it didn't take the door frame with it. All for a bloody parcel....I can't even remember what it was
I used to over think and overanalyse everything. If there was a problem, however insignificant, something that may have been 5 years away, I'd spend hours thinking about it. Talking about it. Worrying about it.
I wasn't capable of understanding that my behaviour affected the feelings of those around me.
I only ever had good intentions. I worried and tried to plan for future events. Tried to give those around me the best possible life. But I spent too much time in the future and not in the present
I've had 2 long term relationships that contained a lot of arguing. Now I'm not saying that the odd disagreement is unhealthy. I'm not taking responsibility for every fall out. But I'm putting my hands up and acknowledging that I had a problem. I put that problem on to other people. And I rebuked any attempt to help me
Something was said to me once, and this is definitely something many of us will have heard. 'It shouldn't take us breaking up for you to realise that there's a problem'
But I realised stood in Asda this morning that we are programmed from a young age to have this thought process. There was a mum and two kids behind me in the queue today. The kids were sat in the trolley and were fighting with each other.
The mum told them several times to stop. Then she told them that if they did it again then she wouldn't be buying them the cakes they wanted....she did this 3 times. Then she took them out of the trolley twice, whilst telling them it was their last chance. I'm pretty sure they were still fighting as she paid for them
Those last two paragraphs probably sound like a load of crap, but the point I'm making, a point made well by Joni Mitchell, 'don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone'
Sometimes the threat of something isn't enough. Sometimes it takes the action to really achieve something
Do I wish that I had realised this earlier, yes. Do I wish that I had gotten help with my issues earlier, yes. Do I wish I had that last relationship back, not at all.
But I'm grateful. I'm grateful to my ex girlfriend for dumping me. I'm grateful to her for not taking me back, for not helping me through treatment. Because what I have now is a much more positive outlook on life
Sure I have bad moments, days, weeks. I'm not 100% happy all of the time. I still shout, I still lose my temper. But now I can appreciate what's happened. I can apologise and make up for any upset, and I can work on things to stop it happening again
In so many parts of life, work, family, even relationships, It's so easy to try and return to the past. Back to a safe place. Never take a risk and you can never get hurt right.
But that's not how I want to live the rest of my life. I want to constantly challenge myself. I want to fight for things that I care about. I don't want to take the easy option.
My outlook on life has changed. I don't need everything right now. I don't need to know what is going to happen in 5 years. Good things, the right things, are worth waiting for. And are all the more special for waiting
I'm going to try and write more blogs over the coming weeks. I'm going to try and make them more cohesive and less higgledy piggledy (is that correct? Are they even words?)
And hopefully people might even make it all the way to the end
Sunday 2 July 2017
Friday 14 April 2017
Saturday 25 February 2017
What an AMAZING!! week
Good afternoon/evening/morning to you all
My first blog for a few weeks now and it's a big one, in content rather than length, well, possibly both....anyway you get the idea
This week has been a massive week for me as two important things have happened. Let's start with the smaller of the two.
So round 8-9 years ago, having found myself temporarily unemployed, I decided I would start studying, I ordered the study manuals, bought all the stuff I needed to be productive with it, and around 5 years later....I threw it all away having never opened it
Fast forward to last August/September. It was around this time that my last relationship ended. An event I have written about at length so let's not go into that again. But one thing that did come out of it was encouragement from my ex partner to start studying something again. I think it was possibly to take my mind off of things and make the whole break up a little easier but I also know that despite everything else she had always been supportive and at that time at least wanted the best for me
So it was that I decided to look at financial qualifications again. I like money, I understand it, and I have an interest in property. The logical choice seemed to be the CeMAP qualification, that's Certificate in Mortgage Advice and Practice to you uneducated folks ;-)
I signed up for the course in August. Then I began a horrendous few months of starting treatment for depression, the dissolving of my family and everything that went along with both of those. I was in no place to think about studying anything...to be honest, every time I tried, I just fell asleep.
Fast forward again to December and having received an email saying that I was soon approaching the halfway point of my membership to the organisation facilitating my study, I realised I needed to crack on. I passed the first two exams in December, I passed the next one in January and, after a small hiccup, I have just passed the remaining 4. I am now CeMAP qualified!!!
Just need to find a job ;-)
So that's CeMAP and an NVQ in housing both completed in the last 8 or 9 months, not bad considering I've studied nothing for the last 16 years!!
So if this was the smaller of the two events, what was the big one.
Well. I am now off of all medication for depression. I started to reduce my dose around Christmas and have very gradually reduced it to the point that this week I am not taking anything at all!!
I don't know how the next few weeks/months will go, I cannot promise that I will remain free from help, but for now at least I am, and I'm feeling great. I am back to exercising more, trying to eat a little better (I managed 6 weeks with no sweets, crisps or biscuits) and I'm feeling so much more positive about everything
Quick update on the romantic situation right now......
So all in all everything is currently pretty awesome. I'm moving house in the next couple of weeks, back to my own flat that I've been renting out for the last couple of years. Big changes are occurring there and it's going to be awesome. And it's just going to be me, Amelia and Alexa....she makes life so much easier and if she gets on your nerves you just turn her off...and if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's turning women off
Have a great weekend party people
My first blog for a few weeks now and it's a big one, in content rather than length, well, possibly both....anyway you get the idea
This week has been a massive week for me as two important things have happened. Let's start with the smaller of the two.
So round 8-9 years ago, having found myself temporarily unemployed, I decided I would start studying, I ordered the study manuals, bought all the stuff I needed to be productive with it, and around 5 years later....I threw it all away having never opened it
Fast forward to last August/September. It was around this time that my last relationship ended. An event I have written about at length so let's not go into that again. But one thing that did come out of it was encouragement from my ex partner to start studying something again. I think it was possibly to take my mind off of things and make the whole break up a little easier but I also know that despite everything else she had always been supportive and at that time at least wanted the best for me
So it was that I decided to look at financial qualifications again. I like money, I understand it, and I have an interest in property. The logical choice seemed to be the CeMAP qualification, that's Certificate in Mortgage Advice and Practice to you uneducated folks ;-)
I signed up for the course in August. Then I began a horrendous few months of starting treatment for depression, the dissolving of my family and everything that went along with both of those. I was in no place to think about studying anything...to be honest, every time I tried, I just fell asleep.
Fast forward again to December and having received an email saying that I was soon approaching the halfway point of my membership to the organisation facilitating my study, I realised I needed to crack on. I passed the first two exams in December, I passed the next one in January and, after a small hiccup, I have just passed the remaining 4. I am now CeMAP qualified!!!
Just need to find a job ;-)
So that's CeMAP and an NVQ in housing both completed in the last 8 or 9 months, not bad considering I've studied nothing for the last 16 years!!
So if this was the smaller of the two events, what was the big one.
Well. I am now off of all medication for depression. I started to reduce my dose around Christmas and have very gradually reduced it to the point that this week I am not taking anything at all!!
I don't know how the next few weeks/months will go, I cannot promise that I will remain free from help, but for now at least I am, and I'm feeling great. I am back to exercising more, trying to eat a little better (I managed 6 weeks with no sweets, crisps or biscuits) and I'm feeling so much more positive about everything
Quick update on the romantic situation right now......
So all in all everything is currently pretty awesome. I'm moving house in the next couple of weeks, back to my own flat that I've been renting out for the last couple of years. Big changes are occurring there and it's going to be awesome. And it's just going to be me, Amelia and Alexa....she makes life so much easier and if she gets on your nerves you just turn her off...and if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's turning women off
Have a great weekend party people
Tuesday 7 February 2017
Just listen
Hello hello hello and welcome to 2017
I trust you all had a great Christmas and new year. Can I still say Happy New Year in February....I guess that's down to whoever is writing this blog. I've heard he's a handsome young fella, intelligent, funny, an all round awesome guy.....so I reckon it's safe to say Happy. New. Year
So despite the hilarious and upbeat start I'm afraid to say that this blog is a little more downbeat and reflective. It's been an emotional few weeks and it's taken its toll a little
So I made the decision at Christmas that I wanted to come off of the antidepressants, the crazy pills as I call them. It felt like the time was right and to be honest I was struggling with the lack of sleep, the crazy dreams, just the all round 'is this really me' thought process
So at Christmas I halved my dose and last week I halved it again, now down to 50mg every other day, by the end of the month all being well I will be off of them completely....and I'll find out if it's really the medication making me crazy
Touch wood I'm feeling good right now
So, an update, I've effectively been single now for just over 6 months, and hasn't time flown. It's only really the second time I've ever been single since 2000.....when I was 5....obviously ;-). But seriously, 6 months, it's crazy. Are there still times when I feel sad about what I lost, of course there are, but that's the past and there's nothing to be gained from dwelling there
Now today's blog is about a different sort of loss. And the first reason I cried this year...
As some of you will know, I am moving house soon, and as part of that process I promised Amelia she could have a new bed. A high sleeper. To be honest it has the great benefit of nearly doubling the useable space in her bedroom so it's functional too
I started looking at kids beds, found an awesome company that make some even more awesome beds.....for about £1500!! I started to think, surely it would be so much cheaper to just make one myself (please note 'myself' means paying a handyman to make one'). This unfortunately brought back the memory of my late bother in law, he sadly died nearly 6 years ago, and not long before he died he built a bed for his daughter. The perfect bed for a 5 year old, a pink princess castle bed.
He would have been the person I would have called to help me build a dream bed (see what I did there) for Amelia....so I guess I'll be heading to eBay
The second reason I've cried this week is unfortunately something I cannot post about. I will once again follow my rule of not posting about other people's personal lives. All I will say is that I've been disgusted, disappointed, upset, devastated in fact. To know that someone I care about has been dealing with something that no person should ever have to deal with has torn me apart. I feel emotional even thinking about it now.
Remember that we never truly know what other people are going through. Try not to judge without thought. They say that you can't pour from an empty cup and whilst I would dispute the fact that anyone pours from a cup, I understand the message
Take care of l yourself, that's number 1. But, taking care of your loved ones, that's also number 1. The hardest thing is trying to help someone that doesn't think they need any help. Being supportive doesn't always mean speaking your mind, you have two ears and one mouth....because to be honest you'd look really fucking strange if it was the other way around.....so remember that just listening is one of the best ways to support someone
I like to believe in karma, the idea that a good deed is rewarded and more importantly that a despicable act or acts are eventually punished....let's hope so
So I've talked shit for long enough, and I do actually have to go to work today
I guess if I could finish this with one clear message it would just be...
Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your arms. Open your heart. And sometimes, sometimes, keep your mouth shut.
Have a great day
I trust you all had a great Christmas and new year. Can I still say Happy New Year in February....I guess that's down to whoever is writing this blog. I've heard he's a handsome young fella, intelligent, funny, an all round awesome guy.....so I reckon it's safe to say Happy. New. Year
So despite the hilarious and upbeat start I'm afraid to say that this blog is a little more downbeat and reflective. It's been an emotional few weeks and it's taken its toll a little
So I made the decision at Christmas that I wanted to come off of the antidepressants, the crazy pills as I call them. It felt like the time was right and to be honest I was struggling with the lack of sleep, the crazy dreams, just the all round 'is this really me' thought process
So at Christmas I halved my dose and last week I halved it again, now down to 50mg every other day, by the end of the month all being well I will be off of them completely....and I'll find out if it's really the medication making me crazy
Touch wood I'm feeling good right now
So, an update, I've effectively been single now for just over 6 months, and hasn't time flown. It's only really the second time I've ever been single since 2000.....when I was 5....obviously ;-). But seriously, 6 months, it's crazy. Are there still times when I feel sad about what I lost, of course there are, but that's the past and there's nothing to be gained from dwelling there
Now today's blog is about a different sort of loss. And the first reason I cried this year...
As some of you will know, I am moving house soon, and as part of that process I promised Amelia she could have a new bed. A high sleeper. To be honest it has the great benefit of nearly doubling the useable space in her bedroom so it's functional too
I started looking at kids beds, found an awesome company that make some even more awesome beds.....for about £1500!! I started to think, surely it would be so much cheaper to just make one myself (please note 'myself' means paying a handyman to make one'). This unfortunately brought back the memory of my late bother in law, he sadly died nearly 6 years ago, and not long before he died he built a bed for his daughter. The perfect bed for a 5 year old, a pink princess castle bed.
He would have been the person I would have called to help me build a dream bed (see what I did there) for Amelia....so I guess I'll be heading to eBay
The second reason I've cried this week is unfortunately something I cannot post about. I will once again follow my rule of not posting about other people's personal lives. All I will say is that I've been disgusted, disappointed, upset, devastated in fact. To know that someone I care about has been dealing with something that no person should ever have to deal with has torn me apart. I feel emotional even thinking about it now.
Remember that we never truly know what other people are going through. Try not to judge without thought. They say that you can't pour from an empty cup and whilst I would dispute the fact that anyone pours from a cup, I understand the message
Take care of l yourself, that's number 1. But, taking care of your loved ones, that's also number 1. The hardest thing is trying to help someone that doesn't think they need any help. Being supportive doesn't always mean speaking your mind, you have two ears and one mouth....because to be honest you'd look really fucking strange if it was the other way around.....so remember that just listening is one of the best ways to support someone
I like to believe in karma, the idea that a good deed is rewarded and more importantly that a despicable act or acts are eventually punished....let's hope so
So I've talked shit for long enough, and I do actually have to go to work today
I guess if I could finish this with one clear message it would just be...
Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your arms. Open your heart. And sometimes, sometimes, keep your mouth shut.
Have a great day
Sunday 1 January 2017
New Year - New Blog
Ok so I've been thinking long and hard to try and write a philosophical Facebook status about the start of a new year.
As I wrote the first sentence I knew this was going to become something much bigger so it's become my first blog of 2017.
Now I've written a lot about mental illness over the last 6 months, I've had 3 pieces published so far and received thousands of hits on my blogs. People are reading out of either morbid curiosity, genuine concern, as a self help tool, or just because what I write is really fucking awesome...it could be any of these, but the point is people are reading them.
At this point I want to address an episode of Eastenders from this week. One of the characters has been suffering with depression for some time, and this was the week that he apparently decided that it had become too much, that he was going to jump from the roof of a car park. This storyline obviously resonated quite strongly with me and with people I know. Do I think it was well acted, no. Do I think that the message was well delivered, not really. But were there things that you could take away from it....definitely
Since I started writing about depression, I have had people I have known for years messaging me, telling me that they have their own demons and how brave I am for being so open and honest about it, that they don't feel they can tell anyone, because they're too ashamed or embarrassed.
I don't think I'm particularly brave. I write because it gives me a release, my own form of self help. The fact that what I write is so incredibly entertaining and so engaging is simply down to a gift I was obviously given at birth and that's a cross I have to bear. I'm being silly, but it's true, I write first and foremost for my own benefit, and if it helps other people, and I know it has, then great.
In the last few days, I have begun to reduce my medication. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling strong and I'm feeling confident. There is a stigma attached to being on antidepressants, so much so that I bet you don't know just how many of your friends are or have taken them over the course of their lives. Personally, I think they are fantastic. People talk about there being much better ways to treat depression, and maybe in the long term they are correct, but for me at least, those little blue pills....sorry, white pills have made a huge difference.
The main thing though, aside from medication is even if you can't tell people exactly what you are going through, or how you are feeling, make sure that you have some support and find some kind of release. Also remember that despite what your mind might tell you, no one will be better off without you, you are loved, you are wanted, and to be honest you are pretty fucking awesome.
A wise man once said 'there is no such thing as talent, just dedication and hard work'. Ok, it was Connor McGregor the UFC mixed martial artist, but the point is still the same. Happiness may not come to you, but with dedication and some hard work, you can certainly find it.
The last 6 months have been some of the most testing in my life. I have suffered heartbreak, some extreme lows, some really scary days. I've scared myself and I've worried other people. I've made some stupid decisions and some even stupider actions. But do you know what, I ended last night on a massive high. I ended up at my friend's daughter's 18th birthday party/meal. Having sat in my 3 piece suit and bow tie all day, I was so happy to have somewhere to wear it....other than Tesco express....though they did compliment my waistcoat. I danced for several hours, I drank too much vodka and having got a lift home from 4 people that I didn't really know before yesterday, I found that my front door had been wide open for about 8 hours....thank god I live in the high class area of Eastleigh. All in all, a fantastic night.
Now I appreciate I've made this all about me, but it's my fucking blog so I think I can be excused.
So on to my actual point....
New Year - New Me. I'm sure we've all seen a meme or a status that says something along these lines. Now many people are quick to discourage statements like this. The implication is that if you need a new year in order to make changes then maybe you just don't want it enough. I read a statistic this morning that said 40% of the population make New Years resolutions and 8% of people actually stick to them.
Now if we assume that that is 8% of the 40% then that means that just over 3 people out of every 100 will make a promise to change something and actually carry it through. This tells me that 60 people out of 100 are so happy with their lives that they don't need to change anything. It also tells me that 37 people have things they want to change but perhaps are unwilling or unable to make changes on their own.
Now you might be one of the 60, if you are then I am envious and I wish you all the best. If you are one of the 3 then fair play, you're setting a goal and smashing it. But these are not the people we need to focus on, we need to focus on the 37.
I'm sure we've all been there, your mate says he needs to lose some weight, or she wants to cut down on alcohol, that they want to get healthier because they want to start a family. I'm also sure we've all been the one saying, yeah yeah, see you at the pub next weekend then, or 'let's see if you're still in the gym in February'.....I know I have anyway
My message to everyone that reads this is, if you are not 100% happy, be part of the 40%. If you are part of the 60% then put all your support behind the 40%.
My New Years resolutions are to get back to exercising regularly, to try and eat more healthily, to focus on self improvement through study, to continue to improve my mental health, to spend more time with friends and family and to make sure that people know just how much I love and appreciate them. My first big challenge starts on Tuesday, where with the support of a close friend, I will cutting out all the sweets and crisps etc from my diet and he will be cutting out alcohol. If nothing else we are both incredibly stubborn so I'm confident we can both do well.
Let me finish by saying that we all lost things in 2016, jobs, relationships, friendships, family members and friends. We've all had happy times and we've all had sad times and I wish that I could tell you that 2017 is going to be 'your year to shine'. But guess what, it won't happen on it own. The clock striking 12 last night makes no bigger a change than the clock hitting midnight tonight. The change needs to come from you and your family, and your friends. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want to shine on my own, I want everyone in my life to shine
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
As I wrote the first sentence I knew this was going to become something much bigger so it's become my first blog of 2017.
Now I've written a lot about mental illness over the last 6 months, I've had 3 pieces published so far and received thousands of hits on my blogs. People are reading out of either morbid curiosity, genuine concern, as a self help tool, or just because what I write is really fucking awesome...it could be any of these, but the point is people are reading them.
At this point I want to address an episode of Eastenders from this week. One of the characters has been suffering with depression for some time, and this was the week that he apparently decided that it had become too much, that he was going to jump from the roof of a car park. This storyline obviously resonated quite strongly with me and with people I know. Do I think it was well acted, no. Do I think that the message was well delivered, not really. But were there things that you could take away from it....definitely
Since I started writing about depression, I have had people I have known for years messaging me, telling me that they have their own demons and how brave I am for being so open and honest about it, that they don't feel they can tell anyone, because they're too ashamed or embarrassed.
I don't think I'm particularly brave. I write because it gives me a release, my own form of self help. The fact that what I write is so incredibly entertaining and so engaging is simply down to a gift I was obviously given at birth and that's a cross I have to bear. I'm being silly, but it's true, I write first and foremost for my own benefit, and if it helps other people, and I know it has, then great.
In the last few days, I have begun to reduce my medication. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling strong and I'm feeling confident. There is a stigma attached to being on antidepressants, so much so that I bet you don't know just how many of your friends are or have taken them over the course of their lives. Personally, I think they are fantastic. People talk about there being much better ways to treat depression, and maybe in the long term they are correct, but for me at least, those little blue pills....sorry, white pills have made a huge difference.
The main thing though, aside from medication is even if you can't tell people exactly what you are going through, or how you are feeling, make sure that you have some support and find some kind of release. Also remember that despite what your mind might tell you, no one will be better off without you, you are loved, you are wanted, and to be honest you are pretty fucking awesome.
A wise man once said 'there is no such thing as talent, just dedication and hard work'. Ok, it was Connor McGregor the UFC mixed martial artist, but the point is still the same. Happiness may not come to you, but with dedication and some hard work, you can certainly find it.
The last 6 months have been some of the most testing in my life. I have suffered heartbreak, some extreme lows, some really scary days. I've scared myself and I've worried other people. I've made some stupid decisions and some even stupider actions. But do you know what, I ended last night on a massive high. I ended up at my friend's daughter's 18th birthday party/meal. Having sat in my 3 piece suit and bow tie all day, I was so happy to have somewhere to wear it....other than Tesco express....though they did compliment my waistcoat. I danced for several hours, I drank too much vodka and having got a lift home from 4 people that I didn't really know before yesterday, I found that my front door had been wide open for about 8 hours....thank god I live in the high class area of Eastleigh. All in all, a fantastic night.
Now I appreciate I've made this all about me, but it's my fucking blog so I think I can be excused.
So on to my actual point....
New Year - New Me. I'm sure we've all seen a meme or a status that says something along these lines. Now many people are quick to discourage statements like this. The implication is that if you need a new year in order to make changes then maybe you just don't want it enough. I read a statistic this morning that said 40% of the population make New Years resolutions and 8% of people actually stick to them.
Now if we assume that that is 8% of the 40% then that means that just over 3 people out of every 100 will make a promise to change something and actually carry it through. This tells me that 60 people out of 100 are so happy with their lives that they don't need to change anything. It also tells me that 37 people have things they want to change but perhaps are unwilling or unable to make changes on their own.
Now you might be one of the 60, if you are then I am envious and I wish you all the best. If you are one of the 3 then fair play, you're setting a goal and smashing it. But these are not the people we need to focus on, we need to focus on the 37.
I'm sure we've all been there, your mate says he needs to lose some weight, or she wants to cut down on alcohol, that they want to get healthier because they want to start a family. I'm also sure we've all been the one saying, yeah yeah, see you at the pub next weekend then, or 'let's see if you're still in the gym in February'.....I know I have anyway
My message to everyone that reads this is, if you are not 100% happy, be part of the 40%. If you are part of the 60% then put all your support behind the 40%.
My New Years resolutions are to get back to exercising regularly, to try and eat more healthily, to focus on self improvement through study, to continue to improve my mental health, to spend more time with friends and family and to make sure that people know just how much I love and appreciate them. My first big challenge starts on Tuesday, where with the support of a close friend, I will cutting out all the sweets and crisps etc from my diet and he will be cutting out alcohol. If nothing else we are both incredibly stubborn so I'm confident we can both do well.
Let me finish by saying that we all lost things in 2016, jobs, relationships, friendships, family members and friends. We've all had happy times and we've all had sad times and I wish that I could tell you that 2017 is going to be 'your year to shine'. But guess what, it won't happen on it own. The clock striking 12 last night makes no bigger a change than the clock hitting midnight tonight. The change needs to come from you and your family, and your friends. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want to shine on my own, I want everyone in my life to shine
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday 21 November 2016
Castaway
Hello and happy Monday to you all...I'm starting to write this at 11pm so if it isn't still Monday then I've waffled on too long, I've fallen asleep, or you go to bed earlier than I do
So in my last blog I told you that I had been signed off of work, I had been off a week or so by that point. I have now been off for 3 weeks and I'm signed off until next Tuesday
So what have I done with my time off, well I've walked, a lot. Not as much as I had hoped admittedly, but well over 100 miles. I've also eaten a lot of crisps and probably enough strawberry lances* that I should have bought shares in the company
*see lances are not laces, they're thicker and sugar coated. They are also vegan friendly....you can have that fact for free
All in all this means I have managed to not lose any weight, but also not gain any, which I am classing as a 'win'.
A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine suggested that if I was going to be signed off of work with a mental health issue, it would be wrong of me if I didn't grow a Tom Hanks 'Castaway' style beard, purchase a volleyball, and on returning to work be sure to run all my decisions past 'Wilson'. I could definitely see the funny side of this idea....the funniest part being that when it comes to facial hair, I'm not sure if puberty missed me, which is strange because I have such a deep voice and a MASSIVE....attitude problem
So maybe I should have bought a volleyball, or even moved to a desert island, that way I probably wouldn't look like a homeless 12 year old now*
*yes I realise I don't actually look 12 years old, it was a reference to my inability to grow a beard, yes I know I look old, yes older than 33....ok leave it now
So as I lie in bed, thoughtfully stroking my......soft (ish) almost hairless face, I think about exactly which volleyball I'm going to buy once I finish writing this
Another new thing for me during my time off has been the commencement of counselling. My employer very kindly subscribes to a service that provides me with 6 free counselling sessions. Now those who know me well will know that not only do I not like to talk, but I also can't stand talking about myself.......but seriously, counselling, where have you been all my life?!
I've only had one session so far, and this was spent explaining to my counsellor what had brought me there. I explained the previous several months of my life, talked about my home life etc and discussed what I was hoping to get out of the sessions.
My counsellor agreed with me about certain thoughts and feelings that I'd been having, so understandably she is now one of my favourite people....plus she has very comfortable chairs. She has given me a lot to think about, and some ideas for discussion at my next session, which I'm actually looking forward to
I understand that on my return to work I shall have a new line manager, which will be nice as my previous manager had been absent for some time. This brings with it a change of seating, something I approach with a little trepidation, but something I'm again quite looking forward to, a fresh start in new surroundings*
*about 20 feet from my old surroundings
My sleep is slowly improving, I managed 9 hours last night which is completely unheard of, and as the week goes on I will begin to set an alarm again, in preparation for next week. I've also been free from panic attacks since just after my last blog, so overall I'm feeling pretty positive
Thank you once again for all the messages of support I have received over the past few months. Some people now have a much more special place in my heart.....and some, well some are still nob jockeys ;-)
I end today's blog with what should be a link to a post on my Facebook page, a picture of my daughter with Santa. If anyone is able to 'like' the picture (not the post but that actual picture) then it would be massively appreciated
https://www.facebook.com/ben.cummins/posts/10153858815181755
Goodnight all
So in my last blog I told you that I had been signed off of work, I had been off a week or so by that point. I have now been off for 3 weeks and I'm signed off until next Tuesday
So what have I done with my time off, well I've walked, a lot. Not as much as I had hoped admittedly, but well over 100 miles. I've also eaten a lot of crisps and probably enough strawberry lances* that I should have bought shares in the company
*see lances are not laces, they're thicker and sugar coated. They are also vegan friendly....you can have that fact for free
All in all this means I have managed to not lose any weight, but also not gain any, which I am classing as a 'win'.
A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine suggested that if I was going to be signed off of work with a mental health issue, it would be wrong of me if I didn't grow a Tom Hanks 'Castaway' style beard, purchase a volleyball, and on returning to work be sure to run all my decisions past 'Wilson'. I could definitely see the funny side of this idea....the funniest part being that when it comes to facial hair, I'm not sure if puberty missed me, which is strange because I have such a deep voice and a MASSIVE....attitude problem
So maybe I should have bought a volleyball, or even moved to a desert island, that way I probably wouldn't look like a homeless 12 year old now*
*yes I realise I don't actually look 12 years old, it was a reference to my inability to grow a beard, yes I know I look old, yes older than 33....ok leave it now
So as I lie in bed, thoughtfully stroking my......soft (ish) almost hairless face, I think about exactly which volleyball I'm going to buy once I finish writing this
Another new thing for me during my time off has been the commencement of counselling. My employer very kindly subscribes to a service that provides me with 6 free counselling sessions. Now those who know me well will know that not only do I not like to talk, but I also can't stand talking about myself.......but seriously, counselling, where have you been all my life?!
I've only had one session so far, and this was spent explaining to my counsellor what had brought me there. I explained the previous several months of my life, talked about my home life etc and discussed what I was hoping to get out of the sessions.
My counsellor agreed with me about certain thoughts and feelings that I'd been having, so understandably she is now one of my favourite people....plus she has very comfortable chairs. She has given me a lot to think about, and some ideas for discussion at my next session, which I'm actually looking forward to
I understand that on my return to work I shall have a new line manager, which will be nice as my previous manager had been absent for some time. This brings with it a change of seating, something I approach with a little trepidation, but something I'm again quite looking forward to, a fresh start in new surroundings*
*about 20 feet from my old surroundings
My sleep is slowly improving, I managed 9 hours last night which is completely unheard of, and as the week goes on I will begin to set an alarm again, in preparation for next week. I've also been free from panic attacks since just after my last blog, so overall I'm feeling pretty positive
Thank you once again for all the messages of support I have received over the past few months. Some people now have a much more special place in my heart.....and some, well some are still nob jockeys ;-)
I end today's blog with what should be a link to a post on my Facebook page, a picture of my daughter with Santa. If anyone is able to 'like' the picture (not the post but that actual picture) then it would be massively appreciated
https://www.facebook.com/ben.cummins/posts/10153858815181755
Goodnight all
Friday 11 November 2016
Don't Panic
I started on antidepressants on the 3rd August 2016 following a relationship break up and finally admitting to myself that I had a problem and I needed to get help with it
Within a week or two I noticed huge improvements, maybe it was a placebo effect, maybe I just was just so desperate to feel better that I convinced myself I was feeling better. Or maybe, maybe the medication was actually doing its job
I wasn't able to answer that question until a few weeks ago. At this point, on the advice of my doctor, I reduced the dose of antidepressants from 50mg a day to 50mg every other day. It took about 4 days for me to start feeling like absolute shit again. And within a week things took another turn, this time it was a panic attack
Of course I didn't recognise this feeling as a panic attack, I've never had a panic attack. It was only when describing the symptoms to other people that it became clear what was happening
I was at home, alone, and looking for a headshot photo for my first article in Man V Life magazine, the little picture that shows who wrote the masterpiece above. So I was looking through the 5000 photos on my phone, not an exaggeration, I actually have 5000 photos and that's only in the last year.....some great memories, some wonderful experiences and some heartbreaking images, reminders of what once was
It was at this point that I began to shake. Now I don't use the heating in my house when my daughter isn't here, I don't really feel the cold...plus I'm tight, so I initially put it down to being cold. But I wasn't cold. My eyes started to well up, I couldn't control the shaking, I felt like how I would imagine a heart attack feels. I had absolutely no control over my body, I couldn't move, I couldn't even clench a fist. It genuinely felt like I was about to die...and I don't say that lightly because believe it or not I'm not trying to be dramatic.
I felt worse than I had felt before I started taking the antidepressants, feeling completely lost and totally useless.
I'd reduced my medication on advice of a doctor, not a website or the opinion of a friend, of a friend, of a friend. And do you know what, the only person telling me to reduce it was the doctor. Everything else I had read or heard said I should have waited at least 4-6 months 'after' I started feeling better before even considering a drop in medication. So I went back to taking the pills every day
A few days later, sat at work, triggered by nothing, I began to shake again. It was 11:30 and I couldn't go anywhere until at least 12. I made 2 or 3 trips to the toilet, I went to the kitchen to wash up a glass that didn't need washing up (well it probably did, I don't wash it often) and I struggled not to drop it or just squeeze it between my hands.
At 12 o'clock I was out the door quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter, I had to escape, I couldn't speak to anyone, I couldn't stop, I just had to get out. Now I've since read that the best thing for a panic attack is to sit still, breathe deeply, concentrate on breathing and trying to calm down. What did I do? I went for a 5 mile run, the quickest run I've ever done, I got home, had lunch, showered and went back to work. As if nothing had happened.
The next morning I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, I didn't want to see anyone, or do anything. This was the turning point when I realised I needed to go back to the doctors.
I walked to the doctors for 8am, I hoped that by getting there early I might just be able to see someone straight away. This was not to be, in fact the only appointment available was a 'sit and wait' appointment at 11am. So now I had 3 hours to kill, I guess I could have gone home and watched television, but I didn't, instead I walked, and walked. I walked just over 10 miles, listening to music, trying to take my mind off of everything.
At 11am, I saw a different doctor, I explained my situation and my circumstances. She immediately said I needed to increase my antidepressants not reduce them, she told me I needed some time off of work, and gave me some advice on other treatments that could help. I went away feeling like things were going to get better again
I've walked around 60 miles since that appointment last week. I'm far from the fittest person in the world, but I just don't tire from walking. A few months ago when things were finishing with my relationship, I went for a walk. I walked 26 miles.
So I've been off of since last week, I've increased my medication, I've started online cognitive behaviour therapy and I've finally reached the point where I am going to seek some counselling.
I actually started writing this blog last week. I've added bits here and there but mostly I'd forgotten about it. I am now finishing this having calmed down from another minor panic attack, this time brought on by the realisation that I was in the house on my own...a situation that occurs at least 3-4 nights a week. Why has it effected me tonight? I've no idea.
I'm definitely feeling better for increasing my medication, I've been exercising, ok my diet hasn't been great but I've been keeping busy, doing everything that I should be doing. But what you can't push into a few weeks is 'time'. Time to get over a past relationship. Time for medication to take full effect. Time to try and fix yourself after years of being broken.
As some of you may have seen, my first blog about depression was recently published in an online men's lifestyle magazine called Man V Life. The content resonated with the creator of the magazine and he deemed it important enough to share with the readers. I have since had more messages of support from people, telling me how brave I am, telling me how proud I should be of speaking up about this issue, but at the moment I'm still not sure....
See Amelia knows I am off of work, she stays with me 3 nights a week so she knows when I'm wearing jeans to drop her off to school that I'm not on my way to the office. But I haven't told her why I'm off. I haven't told her that I'm not well, because I don't look unwell. Im not being sick. I don't have the flu. But as brave as people might think I am to tell the world I'm depressed. As proud as I should be that I am prepared to tell people that I've had some really really bad days. I cannot tell my 7 year old that her Daddy isn't a superhero...
I cannot tell her that I get sad for no reason...
I cannot tell her that I've had days when I haven't been able to get out of bed because I've just felt so fucking useless
I cannot tell her that she is the thing that has kept me going...
I just can't
Within a week or two I noticed huge improvements, maybe it was a placebo effect, maybe I just was just so desperate to feel better that I convinced myself I was feeling better. Or maybe, maybe the medication was actually doing its job
I wasn't able to answer that question until a few weeks ago. At this point, on the advice of my doctor, I reduced the dose of antidepressants from 50mg a day to 50mg every other day. It took about 4 days for me to start feeling like absolute shit again. And within a week things took another turn, this time it was a panic attack
Of course I didn't recognise this feeling as a panic attack, I've never had a panic attack. It was only when describing the symptoms to other people that it became clear what was happening
I was at home, alone, and looking for a headshot photo for my first article in Man V Life magazine, the little picture that shows who wrote the masterpiece above. So I was looking through the 5000 photos on my phone, not an exaggeration, I actually have 5000 photos and that's only in the last year.....some great memories, some wonderful experiences and some heartbreaking images, reminders of what once was
It was at this point that I began to shake. Now I don't use the heating in my house when my daughter isn't here, I don't really feel the cold...plus I'm tight, so I initially put it down to being cold. But I wasn't cold. My eyes started to well up, I couldn't control the shaking, I felt like how I would imagine a heart attack feels. I had absolutely no control over my body, I couldn't move, I couldn't even clench a fist. It genuinely felt like I was about to die...and I don't say that lightly because believe it or not I'm not trying to be dramatic.
I felt worse than I had felt before I started taking the antidepressants, feeling completely lost and totally useless.
I'd reduced my medication on advice of a doctor, not a website or the opinion of a friend, of a friend, of a friend. And do you know what, the only person telling me to reduce it was the doctor. Everything else I had read or heard said I should have waited at least 4-6 months 'after' I started feeling better before even considering a drop in medication. So I went back to taking the pills every day
A few days later, sat at work, triggered by nothing, I began to shake again. It was 11:30 and I couldn't go anywhere until at least 12. I made 2 or 3 trips to the toilet, I went to the kitchen to wash up a glass that didn't need washing up (well it probably did, I don't wash it often) and I struggled not to drop it or just squeeze it between my hands.
At 12 o'clock I was out the door quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter, I had to escape, I couldn't speak to anyone, I couldn't stop, I just had to get out. Now I've since read that the best thing for a panic attack is to sit still, breathe deeply, concentrate on breathing and trying to calm down. What did I do? I went for a 5 mile run, the quickest run I've ever done, I got home, had lunch, showered and went back to work. As if nothing had happened.
The next morning I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, I didn't want to see anyone, or do anything. This was the turning point when I realised I needed to go back to the doctors.
I walked to the doctors for 8am, I hoped that by getting there early I might just be able to see someone straight away. This was not to be, in fact the only appointment available was a 'sit and wait' appointment at 11am. So now I had 3 hours to kill, I guess I could have gone home and watched television, but I didn't, instead I walked, and walked. I walked just over 10 miles, listening to music, trying to take my mind off of everything.
At 11am, I saw a different doctor, I explained my situation and my circumstances. She immediately said I needed to increase my antidepressants not reduce them, she told me I needed some time off of work, and gave me some advice on other treatments that could help. I went away feeling like things were going to get better again
I've walked around 60 miles since that appointment last week. I'm far from the fittest person in the world, but I just don't tire from walking. A few months ago when things were finishing with my relationship, I went for a walk. I walked 26 miles.
So I've been off of since last week, I've increased my medication, I've started online cognitive behaviour therapy and I've finally reached the point where I am going to seek some counselling.
I actually started writing this blog last week. I've added bits here and there but mostly I'd forgotten about it. I am now finishing this having calmed down from another minor panic attack, this time brought on by the realisation that I was in the house on my own...a situation that occurs at least 3-4 nights a week. Why has it effected me tonight? I've no idea.
I'm definitely feeling better for increasing my medication, I've been exercising, ok my diet hasn't been great but I've been keeping busy, doing everything that I should be doing. But what you can't push into a few weeks is 'time'. Time to get over a past relationship. Time for medication to take full effect. Time to try and fix yourself after years of being broken.
As some of you may have seen, my first blog about depression was recently published in an online men's lifestyle magazine called Man V Life. The content resonated with the creator of the magazine and he deemed it important enough to share with the readers. I have since had more messages of support from people, telling me how brave I am, telling me how proud I should be of speaking up about this issue, but at the moment I'm still not sure....
See Amelia knows I am off of work, she stays with me 3 nights a week so she knows when I'm wearing jeans to drop her off to school that I'm not on my way to the office. But I haven't told her why I'm off. I haven't told her that I'm not well, because I don't look unwell. Im not being sick. I don't have the flu. But as brave as people might think I am to tell the world I'm depressed. As proud as I should be that I am prepared to tell people that I've had some really really bad days. I cannot tell my 7 year old that her Daddy isn't a superhero...
I cannot tell her that I get sad for no reason...
I cannot tell her that I've had days when I haven't been able to get out of bed because I've just felt so fucking useless
I cannot tell her that she is the thing that has kept me going...
I just can't
Thursday 20 October 2016
2 months and 17 days
I write today in a bid to continue to be open and honest about life with depression
This is the 2nd time I have written this after finding out that if you accidentally swipe right on your iPhone it will delete the whole note that you have just spent 20 minutes writing and to be honest the first draft was probably better
Now as you read the title you're probably wondering what it might refer to. If this was a slightly more 'fifty shades' style blog then I'm sure you could make your own assumptions about that one...but that is not the case...well, it's not specifically the reason for the name anyway
Today marks 2 months and 17 days since I started medication for depression, anti depressants in fact, good name that, like 'antiseptic' or 'antiperspirant'. Because once you're taking antidepressants, you can't get depressed right, right?
Well.....
When people talk about depression, they talk about a dark cloud coming over them. I assume that this is a meteorological reference, the implication of a black cloud being general gloom and a lack of 'sunshine' if you like. It's a metaphor that up until today had probably been lost on me, but not now
So let's start with the beginning of the day. It started much like any other Thursday. Amelia came into my room and climbed into my bed. She informed me that her alarm clock said '45', 6:45 being the agreed time that she is allowed to get up. So after a minute or two of adjusting my eyes to the 12 ceiling spotlights shining down on me like an interrogation room in a prisoner of war camp...I imagine...I got up, got dressed, looked at my watch, got undressed, switched off the lights and got back into bed. Yes her alarm clock did say '45'. 5:45!!
Sensing that sending Amelia back to bed for an hour would probably be a waste of time, we compromised on 6:15. Not 6:15 after 30 minutes on the iPad, but 6:15 after 30 minutes back in bed pretending to sleep.
The added benefit to me of a 6:15 wake up rather than 6:45 is that I could squeeze in today's workout this morning rather than having to worry about doing it this evening. Leaving my evening free to.....write a blog?
Workout done. Daddy and Amelia dressed, and with another fine plait in her hair I may add, school drop off done and all was good with the world.
This morning was a pretty standard morning, a brief email exchange with the ex, in the words of Charlie Puth 'we don't talk anymore'. But otherwise a normal working day
I had a banana around 10, I had slow cooked gammon for lunch at 12 and even an apple at 2. Yes, things really have got this exciting that I'm describing my fruit consumption. It's all for a good cause though. I'm being assisted with my diet and exercise goals by a qualified nutritionist and friend of mine. We're a few weeks into one of those 'unbelievable' 3 month transformations. Well, it seems pretty unbelievable to me at the moment so who knows what the results might be. We're aiming for a ridiculously vain '8 pack by Christmas', we've probably got more chance of a 2 PAC by Christmas and he's been dead since 1996 (never forgotten, rest in peace). But yes that's the reason for bananas and apples rather than Starburst and Skittles....apparently the fact they come in 4 fruit flavours does not make them 80% of my 'five a day'....what a con.
Anyway, back on topic, the juicy bit you came for, the bit that makes you feel like actually your life isn't really that bad
At around 3pm today, I said hello to the dark cloud. It was unexpected and unexplainable. It really was like the sky going grey on an otherwise pretty sunny day
I don't like to use the word suicide in my blogs, because it makes it sound like a cry for help, or worse some sort of attempt at obtaining sympathy. But it's neither of those. When people talk about suicide, they talk about feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without them, like they don't add any value to anyone else's life. And that is how I felt at 3pm today. Like if I disappeared this evening, nobody would even notice me missing, it would probably take until at least half past 10 tomorrow before anyone even noticed I hadn't come into work. And even then it would probably be mid afternoon before anyone was properly worried....and by properly worried I mean having to work out who could cover the work I was supposed to be doing
So I left work early today, not early by the true definition of the word, just earlier than 5pm. I walked, listening to music, not cheered up by the 'Trolls' soundtrack last on my Spotify playlist. I gave serious thought to going home, changing my shoes, and just walking....maybe see how far I could get before I couldn't walk anymore, maybe not stopping at all. And then I started to think 'if you're going to walk and walk, like a slightly less enthusiastic Forrest Gump, why are you worrying about changing your shoes'. What difference does it really make if it's a pair of Marks and Spencer's leather lace ups found floating soles up in the quarry....the state they're in I don't imagine anyone would even bother to look too closely at them anyway
And it's a funny thing the human mind, because then I started to think about the ridiculousness of it all, that my biggest concern if there was to no longer be a Benjamin David James Cummins, would really be people thinking 'Jesus, look at the shitty shoes he used to walk around in, no wonder he topped himself. He didn't need antidepressants, he needed Gok bloody Wan to sort out his footwear
And so here I am, at home, without sweets and crisps that I actually diverted on the way home to buy, instead about to heat up some spaghetti bolognaise before maybe taking a trip for one to the cinema, thinking, reminding myself that tomorrow will be a better day
The real downside of this afternoon is that I spoke rudely to someone that I really care about, undeservedly, and sometimes it's hard to accept that there are days that I can actually just not be a very nice person. It's probably not fair to blame everything on depression, or the side effects of medication. Sometimes I'm just a fucking prick, and hopefully the person in question will accept my apology and it won't have a long lasting effect
Anyway, like a man with sturdy boots, a ruck sack and an ordnance survey map, I'm rambling so I'll leave it there for today. Just remember that because someone smiles on the outside, it doesn't mean they're not crying on the inside
Ciao for now
This is the 2nd time I have written this after finding out that if you accidentally swipe right on your iPhone it will delete the whole note that you have just spent 20 minutes writing and to be honest the first draft was probably better
Now as you read the title you're probably wondering what it might refer to. If this was a slightly more 'fifty shades' style blog then I'm sure you could make your own assumptions about that one...but that is not the case...well, it's not specifically the reason for the name anyway
Today marks 2 months and 17 days since I started medication for depression, anti depressants in fact, good name that, like 'antiseptic' or 'antiperspirant'. Because once you're taking antidepressants, you can't get depressed right, right?
Well.....
When people talk about depression, they talk about a dark cloud coming over them. I assume that this is a meteorological reference, the implication of a black cloud being general gloom and a lack of 'sunshine' if you like. It's a metaphor that up until today had probably been lost on me, but not now
So let's start with the beginning of the day. It started much like any other Thursday. Amelia came into my room and climbed into my bed. She informed me that her alarm clock said '45', 6:45 being the agreed time that she is allowed to get up. So after a minute or two of adjusting my eyes to the 12 ceiling spotlights shining down on me like an interrogation room in a prisoner of war camp...I imagine...I got up, got dressed, looked at my watch, got undressed, switched off the lights and got back into bed. Yes her alarm clock did say '45'. 5:45!!
Sensing that sending Amelia back to bed for an hour would probably be a waste of time, we compromised on 6:15. Not 6:15 after 30 minutes on the iPad, but 6:15 after 30 minutes back in bed pretending to sleep.
The added benefit to me of a 6:15 wake up rather than 6:45 is that I could squeeze in today's workout this morning rather than having to worry about doing it this evening. Leaving my evening free to.....write a blog?
Workout done. Daddy and Amelia dressed, and with another fine plait in her hair I may add, school drop off done and all was good with the world.
This morning was a pretty standard morning, a brief email exchange with the ex, in the words of Charlie Puth 'we don't talk anymore'. But otherwise a normal working day
I had a banana around 10, I had slow cooked gammon for lunch at 12 and even an apple at 2. Yes, things really have got this exciting that I'm describing my fruit consumption. It's all for a good cause though. I'm being assisted with my diet and exercise goals by a qualified nutritionist and friend of mine. We're a few weeks into one of those 'unbelievable' 3 month transformations. Well, it seems pretty unbelievable to me at the moment so who knows what the results might be. We're aiming for a ridiculously vain '8 pack by Christmas', we've probably got more chance of a 2 PAC by Christmas and he's been dead since 1996 (never forgotten, rest in peace). But yes that's the reason for bananas and apples rather than Starburst and Skittles....apparently the fact they come in 4 fruit flavours does not make them 80% of my 'five a day'....what a con.
Anyway, back on topic, the juicy bit you came for, the bit that makes you feel like actually your life isn't really that bad
At around 3pm today, I said hello to the dark cloud. It was unexpected and unexplainable. It really was like the sky going grey on an otherwise pretty sunny day
I don't like to use the word suicide in my blogs, because it makes it sound like a cry for help, or worse some sort of attempt at obtaining sympathy. But it's neither of those. When people talk about suicide, they talk about feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without them, like they don't add any value to anyone else's life. And that is how I felt at 3pm today. Like if I disappeared this evening, nobody would even notice me missing, it would probably take until at least half past 10 tomorrow before anyone even noticed I hadn't come into work. And even then it would probably be mid afternoon before anyone was properly worried....and by properly worried I mean having to work out who could cover the work I was supposed to be doing
So I left work early today, not early by the true definition of the word, just earlier than 5pm. I walked, listening to music, not cheered up by the 'Trolls' soundtrack last on my Spotify playlist. I gave serious thought to going home, changing my shoes, and just walking....maybe see how far I could get before I couldn't walk anymore, maybe not stopping at all. And then I started to think 'if you're going to walk and walk, like a slightly less enthusiastic Forrest Gump, why are you worrying about changing your shoes'. What difference does it really make if it's a pair of Marks and Spencer's leather lace ups found floating soles up in the quarry....the state they're in I don't imagine anyone would even bother to look too closely at them anyway
And it's a funny thing the human mind, because then I started to think about the ridiculousness of it all, that my biggest concern if there was to no longer be a Benjamin David James Cummins, would really be people thinking 'Jesus, look at the shitty shoes he used to walk around in, no wonder he topped himself. He didn't need antidepressants, he needed Gok bloody Wan to sort out his footwear
And so here I am, at home, without sweets and crisps that I actually diverted on the way home to buy, instead about to heat up some spaghetti bolognaise before maybe taking a trip for one to the cinema, thinking, reminding myself that tomorrow will be a better day
The real downside of this afternoon is that I spoke rudely to someone that I really care about, undeservedly, and sometimes it's hard to accept that there are days that I can actually just not be a very nice person. It's probably not fair to blame everything on depression, or the side effects of medication. Sometimes I'm just a fucking prick, and hopefully the person in question will accept my apology and it won't have a long lasting effect
Anyway, like a man with sturdy boots, a ruck sack and an ordnance survey map, I'm rambling so I'll leave it there for today. Just remember that because someone smiles on the outside, it doesn't mean they're not crying on the inside
Ciao for now
Saturday 1 October 2016
More than a woman
I appreciate that blogs have been a little sporadic at best over the last few weeks. I've had a similar issue to the one I had a few years ago when my marriage ended. There's a lot I want to write about but the fact that my blog literally has my name on it means that I have to consider other people's feelings and the effect that the words I write can have on them
So it is with trepidation that I start to write today's blog as it is very specifically about my past relationship and the ongoing effect that it has on me
It has been two months now since I became 'single' again. I say single though most dating sites or application forms would call me 'divorced'. But I have no intention of forever being divorced, if that's not a label that says 'I can't make a relationship work' then I don't know what is
So to clarify a few questions I still get asked:
So is it definitely over then? - yes
Was it a mutual decision? - no
Do you think it's for the best? - yes
Does that make it any easier - no
It isn't right to discuss the ins and out of a relationship, let's be honest it would be totally bias anyway since there is no right of reply. However what I will say is I know the part I played in its failure and I will forever have to live with that
What gets forgotten is when kids are involved, you don't just lose a girlfriend. You lose a step mother to your child, you lose a stepson, and two kids lose their step-sibling (is that a word, I'm not sure but I thought I'd save the time it would take to type out step brother and step sister...time that I have now spent debating the accuracy of my statement, well done Ben)
Just over 2 months ago I had a family, in a family home, full of...well, full of mess half the time, but generally full of love. As annoying as kids can be sometimes, there is a huge joy in hearing them play together, running around, making bouncy castles out of pillows and duvets, film nights in dens made of bed sheets, the list goes on
Instead what I have now is a house full of memories. I've moved stuff around, I've tried to make it different, to make it 'my home'. But I have an empty bedroom that's door will probably stay shut until May. I have a half empty wardrobe (though at least I can see all my clothes now) and I have more cutlery and crockery than I'm likely to need anytime soon. My 3 seater sofa is more seating than we need, and I may even have to rename the 'occasional chair' since I can't see much occasion for it to be used now
Now 'helpful' people say 'you wanna get yourself on one of them dating sites'. Well do you know what, I've tried fishing for this and swiping right for that. It's not a solution, it's a temporary distraction at best, and to be honest it's a pretty good way of finding out that there are actually a huge number of people that don't want to get involved with you, you no longer have to limit yourself to the ones you've failed to stay in relationships with. So I don't think I'll be trying to find a match.com or living in eharmony (is that a dating site or a greetings card website, I can never remember)
If this all sounds a little depressing, that's because it is. But I don't feel depressed anymore. The magical medication given to me by the even more magical NHS is achieving its aim. To be honest I'm not sure if it's curing anything or simply telling my brain to forget about it, but either way I'm feeling ok in that respect. Though I had a check up this week and my doctor wants me to start coming off of the pills over the next two months, so I guess we'll see what effect that has
This week has been a reminder to me that we all have problems, even, or especially the people that seem the happiest. But do you know what makes the difference. It's not pills, it's not doctors or anything like that. It's support
Don't make empty offers to 'be there' for somebody that's struggling. I know you think it seems the right thing to do, but an offer of help isn't the same as actual help.
My phone is on 24/7, Christ I even have a watch (hang on, my phone just automatically capitalised Christ, I'm not sure I agree with that, but I digress) that tells me my phone is doing something, so anyone, anyone I know that ever just wants someone to talk to, someone to tell them that they're not being silly, just someone to listen to them, then there is an open offer of that from me
Now I have unfortunately run out of things to write about, which means I have to put my shorts on, get my trainers on and get on the treadmill. Never underestimate the power of exercise to make you feel better about the day ahead....that and the fact I get to have a massive breakfast afterwards
Happy Saturday everybody, let's try and make it happy for everyone
So it is with trepidation that I start to write today's blog as it is very specifically about my past relationship and the ongoing effect that it has on me
It has been two months now since I became 'single' again. I say single though most dating sites or application forms would call me 'divorced'. But I have no intention of forever being divorced, if that's not a label that says 'I can't make a relationship work' then I don't know what is
So to clarify a few questions I still get asked:
So is it definitely over then? - yes
Was it a mutual decision? - no
Do you think it's for the best? - yes
Does that make it any easier - no
It isn't right to discuss the ins and out of a relationship, let's be honest it would be totally bias anyway since there is no right of reply. However what I will say is I know the part I played in its failure and I will forever have to live with that
What gets forgotten is when kids are involved, you don't just lose a girlfriend. You lose a step mother to your child, you lose a stepson, and two kids lose their step-sibling (is that a word, I'm not sure but I thought I'd save the time it would take to type out step brother and step sister...time that I have now spent debating the accuracy of my statement, well done Ben)
Just over 2 months ago I had a family, in a family home, full of...well, full of mess half the time, but generally full of love. As annoying as kids can be sometimes, there is a huge joy in hearing them play together, running around, making bouncy castles out of pillows and duvets, film nights in dens made of bed sheets, the list goes on
Instead what I have now is a house full of memories. I've moved stuff around, I've tried to make it different, to make it 'my home'. But I have an empty bedroom that's door will probably stay shut until May. I have a half empty wardrobe (though at least I can see all my clothes now) and I have more cutlery and crockery than I'm likely to need anytime soon. My 3 seater sofa is more seating than we need, and I may even have to rename the 'occasional chair' since I can't see much occasion for it to be used now
Now 'helpful' people say 'you wanna get yourself on one of them dating sites'. Well do you know what, I've tried fishing for this and swiping right for that. It's not a solution, it's a temporary distraction at best, and to be honest it's a pretty good way of finding out that there are actually a huge number of people that don't want to get involved with you, you no longer have to limit yourself to the ones you've failed to stay in relationships with. So I don't think I'll be trying to find a match.com or living in eharmony (is that a dating site or a greetings card website, I can never remember)
If this all sounds a little depressing, that's because it is. But I don't feel depressed anymore. The magical medication given to me by the even more magical NHS is achieving its aim. To be honest I'm not sure if it's curing anything or simply telling my brain to forget about it, but either way I'm feeling ok in that respect. Though I had a check up this week and my doctor wants me to start coming off of the pills over the next two months, so I guess we'll see what effect that has
This week has been a reminder to me that we all have problems, even, or especially the people that seem the happiest. But do you know what makes the difference. It's not pills, it's not doctors or anything like that. It's support
Don't make empty offers to 'be there' for somebody that's struggling. I know you think it seems the right thing to do, but an offer of help isn't the same as actual help.
My phone is on 24/7, Christ I even have a watch (hang on, my phone just automatically capitalised Christ, I'm not sure I agree with that, but I digress) that tells me my phone is doing something, so anyone, anyone I know that ever just wants someone to talk to, someone to tell them that they're not being silly, just someone to listen to them, then there is an open offer of that from me
Now I have unfortunately run out of things to write about, which means I have to put my shorts on, get my trainers on and get on the treadmill. Never underestimate the power of exercise to make you feel better about the day ahead....that and the fact I get to have a massive breakfast afterwards
Happy Saturday everybody, let's try and make it happy for everyone
Sunday 18 September 2016
Flipping Tough
So it would seem that weekly blogs are becoming the thing for me at the moment, perhaps I just don't have enough crap to write about every single day
Ok so let's start with a depression update. It's safe to say that the medication I am taking is giving me the side effects of insomnia and weight loss. So I'm absolutely shattered most days but look awesome with my shirt off ;-)
I've been taking antidepressants for around 7 weeks now and honestly wonder why I didn't start earlier. Ok so life is tricky at the moment for previously mentioned reasons but things have and are continuing to improve a lot. In myself I am actually feeling awesome most days. I guess my concern is one day coming off the medication but that's some way off and doesn't need to be thought about right now
So let's talk about this week....
A few months ago my manager at work suggested that our team should go out for breakfast or lunch together, a bonding experience. Now I love food, like really love food, but I can eat at anytime (and do) so I thought it would be good to do something a little different....and you know the old motto 'a team that trampolines together stays together'
And so it was that at 5:30 on Monday we descended on Flip Out in Chandlers Ford. I don't know if you've ever been to one of these new fangled trampolining centres but they are generally filled with children, and worse than that, children that can do backflips, front flips, and all the other things you really wish you weren't 20 years too old to attempt. But not on Monday. On Monday there were 7 of us from work and 3 other people there. It was so quiet in fact that we had nearly 90 minutes of bouncing....now I'm sure you'll agree that nobody would be disappointed with that
My intention leading up to the day had been to learn how to backflip, basically because I wanted to be a bloody show off in front of my colleagues. To say my success was limited would be a massive exaggeration. Essentially on arrival I had two skills, bouncing up and down, and falling over. But. And it's a big but, by the time we left I could 'happily' do front flips, both into the foam pit (well they were more 1 and half front flips, which essentially means I ended up head first) and on a normal trampoline. I'm 99% sure I closed my eyes when doing it, and I'm 100% sure that once you've started to do a flip, DO NOT change your mind, that will result in you smashing down onto the floor head and shoulders first....apparently
So after around 80 minutes it was decided we were leaving. Obviously being the fitness addict that I am, I could have kept going for another few hours but I appreciate that not everyone is of Olympic level fitness like me so it was time to go.....for dinner (may as well keep the team bonding going over food)
After the meal I did something that I've done a couple of times recently, something I never thought I would do. I went to the cinema on my own. My film of choice (the only one on) was called 'Don't Breathe'.....at this point you're probably expecting some sort of ridiculous pun or joke about the title, well, don't hold your breath
The trailer for the film looked really poor but the reviews were excellent so I thought I'd give it a shot and actually it was a bit of a Rolex.....a really good watch
Later in the week I also went to see the new Blair Witch film, the reviews were bad, the trailer made it look bad but you'll be surprised to hear it was at least as good as the original......hmmm
And so on to yesterday, the day I had been building up to for what feels like 6 months. Yesterday was the day of Tough Mudder Half - London South.
Now I did a Tough Mudder event a couple of years ago, 12 miles of mud, ice, water, mud, obstacles, mud, mud and mud, and whilst it was enjoyable overall, running 12 miles through ankle deep mud was challenging to say the least. The great thing about yesterday was the 'half' in the title. So it was only actually 5 miles.
Now I believe that pretty much anyone can run 5 miles, especially since it's not actually 5 straight miles and it's not a race but a team challenge.
Now our team for the day originally consisted of 3 members, which is less people than you ideally want in a team, so you can imagine the joy when due to injury the 3 person team only ended up with two members. Being a duo did actually have its advantages though, we didn't have to spend ages waiting at each obstacle for a group of 10-12 people to reform and get through
There aren't any particular highlights to share, we were both very lucky to get through without injury. When you start the race it is explained to you that if someone requires medical assistance then you should raise your hands above your head like you're on a tv talent show hosted by Dermot O'Leary.....the system being that others both ahead and behind will repeat the signal and this will get back to a member of staff to assist. It's a great system, when people actually do it. As we were passing the 3 mile point we came across a guy that had slipped and heard a snap in his leg, the two people with him were simply stopped looking at him and everyone else was just running past. So myself and my team mate got ready to fulfil our musical dreams and show that we had the X factor....which eventually resulted in a half assed attempt by others to do the same and medical assistance was soon on route
At the end of the course is an obstacle called 'Everest' essentially a quarter pipe that you would associate with a skate park, except with this one you don't have any skates and you're covered in mud and soaking wet. I found this really challenging 2 years ago, but improved fitness and a shorter wait in the cold meant that I actually went straight up first time....and didn't lose my front teeth like one unlucky girl on the course
Obviously we struggled to build a big team for the event which is a shame because it was a great teamwork event. It's not a race, no times are recorded and nobody cares how long it takes. The displays of genuine teamwork by people you had never met or will ever see again were astounding and you simply couldn't get around the course without it.....it was just a shame that some individuals didn't quite understand the concept of helping others in return for assistance
Today will be a relatively relaxed day, mainly because my back is shot from both the trampolining and yesterday and amusingly/confusingly I seem to have bruised my arse as well...I genuinely have no idea how that happened...there wasn't that much team work involved
To anyone still reading, enjoy the rest of your weekend and have a great week
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