Castaway

Hello and happy Monday to you all...I'm starting to write this at 11pm so if it isn't still Monday then I've waffled on too long, I've fallen asleep, or you go to bed earlier than I do

So in my last blog I told you that I had been signed off of work, I had been off a week or so by that point. I have now been off for 3 weeks and I'm signed off until next Tuesday

So what have I done with my time off, well I've walked, a lot. Not as much as I had hoped admittedly, but well over 100 miles. I've also eaten a lot of crisps and probably enough strawberry lances* that I should have bought shares in the company

*see lances are not laces, they're thicker and sugar coated. They are also vegan friendly....you can have that fact for free

All in all this means I have managed to not lose any weight, but also not gain any, which I am classing as a 'win'.

A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine suggested that if I was going to be signed off of work with a mental health issue, it would be wrong of me if I didn't grow a Tom Hanks 'Castaway' style beard, purchase a volleyball, and on returning to work be sure to run all my decisions past 'Wilson'. I could definitely see the funny side of this idea....the funniest part being that when it comes to facial hair, I'm not sure if puberty missed me, which is strange because I have such a deep voice and a MASSIVE....attitude problem

So maybe I should have bought a volleyball, or even moved to a desert island, that way I probably wouldn't look like a homeless 12 year old now*

*yes I realise I don't actually look 12 years old, it was a reference to my inability to grow a beard, yes I know I look old, yes older than 33....ok leave it now

So as I lie in bed, thoughtfully stroking my......soft (ish) almost hairless face, I think about exactly which volleyball I'm going to buy once I finish writing this

Another new thing for me during my time off has been the commencement of counselling. My employer very kindly subscribes to a service that provides me with 6 free counselling sessions. Now those who know me well will know that not only do I not like to talk, but I also can't stand talking about myself.......but seriously, counselling, where have you been all my life?!

I've only had one session so far, and this was spent explaining to my counsellor what had brought me there. I explained the previous several months of my life, talked about my home life etc and discussed what I was hoping to get out of the sessions.

My counsellor agreed with me about certain thoughts and feelings that I'd been having, so understandably she is now one of my favourite people....plus she has very comfortable chairs. She has given me a lot to think about, and some ideas for discussion at my next session, which I'm actually looking forward to

I understand that on my return to work I shall have a new line manager, which will be nice as my previous manager had been absent for some time. This brings with it a change of seating, something I approach with a little trepidation, but something I'm again quite looking forward to, a fresh start in new surroundings*

*about 20 feet from my old surroundings

My sleep is slowly improving, I managed 9 hours last night which is completely unheard of, and as the week goes on I will begin to set an alarm again, in preparation for next week. I've also been free from panic attacks since just after my last blog, so overall I'm feeling pretty positive

Thank you once again for all the messages of support I have received over the past few months. Some people now have a much more special place in my heart.....and some, well some are still nob jockeys ;-)

I end today's blog with what should be a link to a post on my Facebook page, a picture of my daughter with Santa. If anyone is able to 'like' the picture (not the post but that actual picture) then it would be massively appreciated

https://www.facebook.com/ben.cummins/posts/10153858815181755

Goodnight all

Don't Panic

I started on antidepressants on the 3rd August 2016 following a relationship break up and finally admitting to myself that I had a problem and I needed to get help with it

Within a week or two I noticed huge improvements, maybe it was a placebo effect, maybe I just was just so desperate to feel better that I convinced myself I was feeling better. Or maybe, maybe the medication was actually doing its job

I wasn't able to answer that question until a few weeks ago. At this point, on the advice of my doctor, I reduced the dose of antidepressants from 50mg a day to 50mg every other day. It took about 4 days for me to start feeling like absolute shit again. And within a week things took another turn, this time it was a panic attack

Of course I didn't recognise this feeling as a panic attack, I've never had a panic attack. It was only when describing the symptoms to other people that it became clear what was happening

I was at home, alone, and looking for a headshot photo for my first article in Man V Life magazine, the little picture that shows who wrote the masterpiece above. So I was looking through the 5000 photos on my phone, not an exaggeration, I actually have 5000 photos and that's only in the last year.....some great memories, some wonderful experiences and some heartbreaking images, reminders of what once was

It was at this point that I began to shake. Now I don't use the heating in my house when my daughter isn't here, I don't really feel the cold...plus I'm tight, so I initially put it down to being cold. But I wasn't cold. My eyes started to well up, I couldn't control the shaking, I felt like how I would imagine a heart attack feels. I had absolutely no control over my body, I couldn't move, I couldn't even clench a fist. It genuinely felt like I was about to die...and I don't say that lightly because believe it or not I'm not trying to be dramatic.

I felt worse than I had felt before I started taking the antidepressants, feeling completely lost and totally useless.

I'd reduced my medication on advice of a doctor, not a website or the opinion of a friend, of a friend, of a friend. And do you know what, the only person telling me to reduce it was the doctor. Everything else I had read or heard said I should have waited at least 4-6 months 'after' I started feeling better before even considering a drop in medication. So I went back to taking the pills every day

A few days later, sat at work, triggered by nothing, I began to shake again. It was 11:30 and I couldn't go anywhere until at least 12. I made 2 or 3 trips to the toilet, I went to the kitchen to wash up a glass that didn't need washing up (well it probably did, I don't wash it often) and I struggled not to drop it or just squeeze it between my hands.

At 12 o'clock I was out the door quicker than a Kwik-Fit fitter, I had to escape, I couldn't speak to anyone, I couldn't stop, I just had to get out. Now I've since read that the best thing for a panic attack is to sit still, breathe deeply, concentrate on breathing and trying to calm down. What did I do? I went for a 5 mile run, the quickest run I've ever done, I got home, had lunch, showered and went back to work. As if nothing had happened.

The next morning I couldn't get out of bed, I couldn't face the idea of going to work, I didn't want to see anyone, or do anything. This was the turning point when I realised I needed to go back to the doctors.

I walked to the doctors for 8am, I hoped that by getting there early I might just be able to see someone straight away. This was not to be, in fact the only appointment available was a 'sit and wait' appointment at 11am. So now I had 3 hours to kill, I guess I could have gone home and watched television, but I didn't, instead I walked, and walked. I walked just over 10 miles, listening to music, trying to take my mind off of everything.

At 11am, I saw a different doctor, I explained my situation and my circumstances. She immediately said I needed to increase my antidepressants not reduce them, she told me I needed some time off of work, and gave me some advice on other treatments that could help. I went away feeling like things were going to get better again

I've walked around 60 miles since that appointment last week. I'm far from the fittest person in the world, but I just don't tire from walking. A few months ago when things were finishing with my relationship, I went for a walk. I walked 26 miles.

So I've been off of since last week, I've increased my medication, I've started online cognitive behaviour therapy and I've finally reached the point where I am going to seek some counselling.

I actually started writing this blog last week. I've added bits here and there but mostly I'd forgotten about it. I am now finishing this having calmed down from another minor panic attack, this time brought on by the realisation that I was in the house on my own...a situation that occurs at least 3-4 nights a week. Why has it effected me tonight? I've no idea.

I'm definitely feeling better for increasing my medication, I've been exercising, ok my diet hasn't been great but I've been keeping busy, doing everything that I should be doing. But what you can't push into a few weeks is 'time'. Time to get over a past relationship. Time for medication to take full effect. Time to try and fix yourself after years of being broken.

As some of you may have seen, my first blog about depression was recently published in an online men's lifestyle magazine called Man V Life. The content resonated with the creator of the magazine and he deemed it important enough to share with the readers. I have since had more messages of support from people, telling me how brave I am, telling me how proud I should be of speaking up about this issue, but at the moment I'm still not sure....

See Amelia knows I am off of work, she stays with me 3 nights a week so she knows when I'm wearing jeans to drop her off to school that I'm not on my way to the office. But I haven't told her why I'm off. I haven't told her that I'm not well, because I don't look unwell. Im not being sick. I don't have the flu. But as brave as people might think I am to tell the world I'm depressed. As proud as I should be that I am prepared to tell people that I've had some really really bad days. I cannot tell my 7 year old that her Daddy isn't a superhero...

I cannot tell her that I get sad for no reason...

I cannot tell her that I've had days when I haven't been able to get out of bed because I've just felt so fucking useless

I cannot tell her that she is the thing that has kept me going...

I just can't

2 months and 17 days

I write today in a bid to continue to be open and honest about life with depression

This is the 2nd time I have written this after finding out that if you accidentally swipe right on your iPhone it will delete the whole note that you have just spent 20 minutes writing and to be honest the first draft was probably better

Now as you read the title you're probably wondering what it might refer to. If this was a slightly more 'fifty shades' style blog then I'm sure you could make your own assumptions about that one...but that is not the case...well, it's not specifically the reason for the name anyway

Today marks 2 months and 17 days since I started medication for depression, anti depressants in fact, good name that, like 'antiseptic' or 'antiperspirant'. Because once you're taking antidepressants, you can't get depressed right, right?

Well.....

When people talk about depression, they talk about a dark cloud coming over them. I assume that this is a meteorological reference, the implication of a black cloud being general gloom and a lack of 'sunshine' if you like. It's a metaphor that up until today had probably been lost on me, but not now

So let's start with the beginning of the day. It started much like any other Thursday. Amelia came into my room and climbed into my bed. She informed me that her alarm clock said '45', 6:45 being the agreed time that she is allowed to get up. So after a minute or two of adjusting my eyes to the 12 ceiling spotlights shining down on me like an interrogation room in a prisoner of war camp...I imagine...I got up, got dressed, looked at my watch, got undressed, switched off the lights and got back into bed. Yes her alarm clock did say '45'. 5:45!!

Sensing that sending Amelia back to bed for an hour would probably be a waste of time, we compromised on 6:15. Not 6:15 after 30 minutes on the iPad, but 6:15 after 30 minutes back in bed pretending to sleep.

The added benefit to me of a 6:15 wake up rather than 6:45 is that I could squeeze in today's workout this morning rather than having to worry about doing it this evening. Leaving my evening free to.....write a blog?

Workout done. Daddy and Amelia dressed, and with another fine plait in her hair I may add, school drop off done and all was good with the world.

This morning was a pretty standard morning, a brief email exchange with the ex, in the words of Charlie Puth 'we don't talk anymore'. But otherwise a normal working day

I had a banana around 10, I had slow cooked gammon for lunch at 12 and even an apple at 2. Yes, things really have got this exciting that I'm describing my fruit consumption. It's all for a good cause though. I'm being assisted with my diet and exercise goals by a qualified nutritionist and friend of mine. We're a few weeks into one of those 'unbelievable' 3 month transformations. Well, it seems pretty unbelievable to me at the moment so who knows what the results might be. We're aiming for a ridiculously vain '8 pack by Christmas', we've probably got more chance of a 2 PAC by Christmas and he's been dead since 1996 (never forgotten, rest in peace). But yes that's the reason for bananas and apples rather than Starburst and Skittles....apparently the fact they come in 4 fruit flavours does not make them 80% of my 'five a day'....what a con.

Anyway, back on topic, the juicy bit you came for, the bit that makes you feel like actually your life isn't really that bad

At around 3pm today, I said hello to the dark cloud. It was unexpected and unexplainable. It really was like the sky going grey on an otherwise pretty sunny day

I don't like to use the word suicide in my blogs, because it makes it sound like a cry for help, or worse some sort of attempt at obtaining sympathy. But it's neither of those. When people talk about suicide, they talk about feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without them, like they don't add any value to anyone else's life. And that is how I felt at 3pm today. Like if I disappeared this evening, nobody would even notice me missing, it would probably take until at least half past 10 tomorrow before anyone even noticed I hadn't come into work. And even then it would probably be mid afternoon before anyone was properly worried....and by properly worried I mean having to work out who could cover the work I was supposed to be doing

So I left work early today, not early by the true definition of the word, just earlier than 5pm. I walked, listening to music, not cheered up by the 'Trolls' soundtrack last on my Spotify playlist. I gave serious thought to going home, changing my shoes, and just walking....maybe see how far I could get before I couldn't walk anymore, maybe not stopping at all. And then I started to think 'if you're going to walk and walk, like a slightly less enthusiastic Forrest Gump, why are you worrying about changing your shoes'. What difference does it really make if it's a pair of Marks and Spencer's leather lace ups found floating soles up in the quarry....the state they're in I don't imagine anyone would even bother to look too closely at them anyway

And it's a funny thing the human mind, because then I started to think about the ridiculousness of it all, that my biggest concern if there was to no longer be a Benjamin David James Cummins, would really be people thinking 'Jesus, look at the shitty shoes he used to walk around in, no wonder he topped himself. He didn't need antidepressants, he needed Gok bloody Wan to sort out his footwear

And so here I am, at home, without sweets and crisps that I actually diverted on the way home to buy, instead about to heat up some spaghetti bolognaise before maybe taking a trip for one to the cinema, thinking, reminding myself that tomorrow will be a better day

The real downside of this afternoon is that I spoke rudely to someone that I really care about, undeservedly, and sometimes it's hard to accept that there are days that I can actually just not be a very nice person. It's probably not fair to blame everything on depression, or the side effects of medication. Sometimes I'm just a fucking prick, and hopefully the person in question will accept my apology and it won't have a long lasting effect

Anyway, like a man with sturdy boots, a ruck sack and an ordnance survey map, I'm rambling so I'll leave it there for today. Just remember that because someone smiles on the outside, it doesn't mean they're not crying on the inside

Ciao for now

More than a woman

I appreciate that blogs have been a little sporadic at best over the last few weeks. I've had a similar issue to the one I had a few years ago when my marriage ended. There's a lot I want to write about but the fact that my blog literally has my name on it means that I have to consider other people's feelings and the effect that the words I write can have on them

So it is with trepidation that I start to write today's blog as it is very specifically about my past relationship and the ongoing effect that it has on me

It has been two months now since I became 'single' again. I say single though most dating sites or application forms would call me 'divorced'. But I have no intention of forever being divorced, if that's not a label that says 'I can't make a relationship work' then I don't know what is

So to clarify a few questions I still get asked:

So is it definitely over then? - yes
Was it a mutual decision? - no
Do you think it's for the best? - yes
Does that make it any easier - no

It isn't right to discuss the ins and out of a relationship, let's be honest it would be totally bias anyway since there is no right of reply. However what I will say is I know the part I played in its failure and I will forever have to live with that

What gets forgotten is when kids are involved, you don't just lose a girlfriend. You lose a step mother to your child, you lose a stepson, and two kids lose their step-sibling (is that a word, I'm not sure but I thought I'd save the time it would take to type out step brother and step sister...time that I have now spent debating the accuracy of my statement, well done Ben)

Just over 2 months ago I had a family, in a family home, full of...well, full of mess half the time, but generally full of love. As annoying as kids can be sometimes, there is a huge joy in hearing them play together, running around, making bouncy castles out of pillows and duvets, film nights in dens made of bed sheets, the list goes on

Instead what I have now is a house full of memories. I've moved stuff around, I've tried to make it different, to make it 'my home'. But I have an empty bedroom that's door will probably stay shut until May. I have a half empty wardrobe (though at least I can see all my clothes now) and I have more cutlery and crockery than I'm likely to need anytime soon. My 3 seater sofa is more seating than we need, and I may even have to rename the 'occasional chair' since I can't see much occasion for it to be used now

Now 'helpful' people say 'you wanna get yourself on one of them dating sites'. Well do you know what, I've tried fishing for this and swiping right for that. It's not a solution, it's a temporary distraction at best, and to be honest it's a pretty good way of finding out that there are actually a huge number of people that don't want to get involved with you, you no longer have to limit yourself to the ones you've failed to stay in relationships with. So I don't think I'll be trying to find a match.com or living in eharmony (is that a dating site or a greetings card website, I can never remember)

If this all sounds a little depressing, that's because it is. But I don't feel depressed anymore. The magical medication given to me by the even more magical NHS is achieving its aim. To be honest I'm not sure if it's curing anything or simply telling my brain to forget about it, but either way I'm feeling ok in that respect. Though I had a check up this week and my doctor wants me to start coming off of the pills over the next two months, so I guess we'll see what effect that has

This week has been a reminder to me that we all have problems, even, or especially the people that seem the happiest. But do you know what makes the difference. It's not pills, it's not doctors or anything like that. It's support

Don't make empty offers to 'be there' for somebody that's struggling. I know you think it seems the right thing to do, but an offer of help isn't the same as actual help.

My phone is on 24/7, Christ I even have a watch (hang on, my phone just automatically capitalised Christ, I'm not sure I agree with that, but I digress) that tells me my phone is doing something, so anyone, anyone I know that ever just wants someone to talk to, someone to tell them that they're not being silly, just someone to listen to them, then there is an open offer of that from me

Now I have unfortunately run out of things to write about, which means I have to put my shorts on, get my trainers on and get on the treadmill. Never underestimate the power of exercise to make you feel better about the day ahead....that and the fact I get to have a massive breakfast afterwards

Happy Saturday everybody, let's try and make it happy for everyone

Flipping Tough

So it would seem that weekly blogs are becoming the thing for me at the moment, perhaps I just don't have enough crap to write about every single day

Ok so let's start with a depression update.  It's safe to say that the medication I am taking is giving me the side effects of insomnia and weight loss. So I'm absolutely shattered most days but look awesome with my shirt off ;-) 

I've been taking antidepressants for around 7 weeks now and honestly wonder why I didn't start earlier.  Ok so life is tricky at the moment for previously mentioned reasons but things have and are continuing to improve a lot.  In myself I am actually feeling awesome most days. I guess my concern is one day coming off the medication but that's some way off and doesn't need to be thought about right now 

So let's talk about this week....

A few months ago my manager at work suggested that our team should go out for breakfast or lunch together, a bonding experience.  Now I love food, like really love food, but I can eat at anytime (and do) so I thought it would be good to do something a little different....and you know the old motto 'a team that trampolines together stays together' 

And so it was that at 5:30 on Monday we descended on Flip Out in Chandlers Ford.  I don't know if you've ever been to one of these new fangled trampolining centres but they are generally filled with children, and worse than that, children that can do backflips, front flips, and all the other things you really wish you weren't 20 years too old to attempt.  But not on Monday. On Monday there were 7 of us from work and 3 other people there.  It was so quiet in fact that we had nearly 90 minutes of bouncing....now I'm sure you'll agree that nobody would be disappointed with that

My intention leading up to the day had been to learn how to backflip, basically because I wanted to be a bloody show off in front of my colleagues.  To say my success was limited would be a massive exaggeration.  Essentially on arrival I had two skills, bouncing up and down, and falling over.  But. And it's a big but, by the time we left I could 'happily' do front flips, both into the foam pit (well they were more 1 and half front flips, which essentially means I ended up head first) and on a normal trampoline.  I'm 99% sure I closed my eyes when doing it, and I'm 100% sure that once you've started to do a flip, DO NOT change your mind, that will result in you smashing down onto the floor head and shoulders first....apparently 

So after around 80 minutes it was decided we were leaving.  Obviously being the fitness addict that I am, I could have kept going for another few hours but I appreciate that not everyone is of Olympic level fitness like me so it was time to go.....for dinner (may as well keep the team bonding going over food)

After the meal I did something that I've done a couple of times recently, something I never thought I would do. I went to the cinema on my own.  My film of choice (the only one on) was called 'Don't Breathe'.....at this point you're probably expecting some sort of ridiculous pun or joke about the title, well, don't hold your breath 

The trailer for the film looked really poor but the reviews were excellent so I thought I'd give it a shot and actually it was a bit of a Rolex.....a really good watch

Later in the week I also went to see the new Blair Witch film, the reviews were bad, the trailer made it look bad but you'll be surprised to hear it was at least as good as the original......hmmm

And so on to yesterday, the day I had been building up to for what feels like 6 months.  Yesterday was the day of Tough Mudder Half - London South.  

Now I did a Tough Mudder event a couple of years ago, 12 miles of mud, ice, water, mud, obstacles, mud, mud and mud, and whilst it was enjoyable overall, running 12 miles through ankle deep mud was challenging to say the least.  The great thing about yesterday was the 'half' in the title.  So it was only actually 5 miles.

Now I believe that pretty much anyone can run 5 miles, especially since it's not actually 5 straight miles and it's not a race but a team challenge.

Now our team for the day originally consisted of 3 members, which is less people than you ideally want in a team, so you can imagine the joy when due to injury the 3 person team only ended up with two members.  Being a duo did actually have its advantages though, we didn't have to spend ages waiting at each obstacle for a group of 10-12 people to reform and get through 

There aren't any particular highlights to share, we were both very lucky to get through without injury.  When you start the race it is explained to you that if someone requires medical assistance then you should raise your hands above your head like you're on a tv talent show hosted by Dermot O'Leary.....the system being that others both ahead and behind will repeat the signal and this will get back to a member of staff to assist.  It's a great system, when people actually do it.  As we were passing the 3 mile point we came across a guy that had slipped and heard a snap in his leg, the two people with him were simply stopped looking at him and everyone else was just running past.  So myself and my team mate got ready to fulfil our musical dreams and show that we had the X factor....which eventually resulted in a half assed attempt by others to do the same and medical assistance was soon on route 

At the end of the course is an obstacle called 'Everest' essentially a quarter pipe that you would associate with a skate park, except with this one you don't have any skates and you're covered in mud and soaking wet.  I found this really challenging 2 years ago, but improved fitness and a shorter wait in the cold meant that I actually went straight up first time....and didn't lose my front teeth like one unlucky girl on the course 

Obviously we struggled to build a big team for the event which is a shame because it was a great teamwork event.  It's not a race, no times are recorded and nobody cares how long it takes.  The displays of genuine teamwork by people you had never met or will ever see again were astounding and you simply couldn't get around the course without it.....it was just a shame that some individuals didn't quite understand the concept of helping others in return for assistance

Today will be a relatively relaxed day, mainly because my back is shot from both the trampolining and yesterday and amusingly/confusingly I seem to have bruised my arse as well...I genuinely have no idea how that happened...there wasn't that much team work involved 

To anyone still reading, enjoy the rest of your weekend and have a great week

Taken a bazaar twist

Ok so every year Apple release a new iPhone. Each time the new phone is very similar to the last and in many ways inferior to other phones on the market.  But amazingly despite all of this the Apple fan boyz (should that be one word or two, should it be a Z....god I'm so old) lap it up like a 7 year old laps up sweets....but only on Saturdays #responsibleparent

So yesterday morning as all the 'losers' were logging on to pre order their 'new' phones, I was sat, laughing to myself at how ridiculous it all is........oh, and ordering my new iPhone 7 plus 

I discussed with two friends, who coincidentally will also be ordering phones, what the benefits of the larger screened 'plus' model were over the normal iPhone 7 and do you know what their 3 answers were:

1 - a better camera

2 - longer battery life 

3 - better for watching porn 

Now let me tell you, I wasn't gonna be swayed by a marginally better camera or an extra few minutes of battery life, so I'm not really sure what attracted me to the bigger phone 

I'm writing my blog at around 4:30 this morning from a Bristol hotel room, after waking up at 2am not having a clue where I was.  Oh no, this was not a 'Taken' style abduction, I'm not being prepared to be sold on to the Eastern European sex trafficking network....I'm certain that those individuals do not get a night in a Premier Inn first, well, unless we've actually discovered the real reason that Dawn French left Lenny Henry

I was described yesterday as gorgeous, handsome, funny, kind, sarcastic, annoying and a bit of a nobhead.....I don't think I'm getting these self esteem pep talks quite right.  In all seriousness though I was told recently by someone that they could see a similarity between me and Leonard DiCaprio, and you're thinking 'you're taking the piss aren't you', well to the doubters, all I can say is, have you ever seen me freeze to death holding on to a door floating in the middle of the ocean, no?, well then you have no comparison

I realised about half an hour ago that I didn't really have anything to write today, but I'm awake and there are no custard creams in the room so I had to do something.

Oh, you're probably (not) wondering why I'm in Bristol.  Well today I shall be working at an affordable home ownership roadshow.  I originally typed out the name of the show but then that might create a link between my blog and the event, and therefore my employer....and the last thing we want is something entertaining and amusing linked with housing, that would give totally the wrong impression

The aim of today is to give members of the general public advice on affordable home ownership, I know, shocking right, and actually the events are quite good fun.  I am a self confessed hater of people, so you wouldn't think I would enjoy interacting with some many members of the public, but if there is one thing I like more than not talking to people, it's being nosey about people's lives so in a funny sort of way it's the perfect day for me

I was woken up this morning at a point in a dream that was quite emotional, and I've noticed recently that my dreams have been a lot more closely related to my day to day life, and so it was that a big part of last nights dreams were about trampolining and theme park visits (both trips planned for the near future), I'm hoping desperately for a dream tonight about a lottery win.  On the plus side though, whilst tired today, I am feeling good

Now you may wonder what the relevance of this is, well you see last night I visited a restaurant called 'Za Za Bazaar'.  It is essentially all the food you might like, all in one place, buffet style, all you can eat.  It really was the most bazaar (see what I did there) place I've ever eaten, and I ate far more food than I really should have.  So today could have so easily started with ill feeling or food poisoning, but no, as true athletes are not taken down by just one meal, and neither am I 

It may surprise those that know me, that in the last 6/7 weeks I've actually lost 17lb in weight and am now the lightest I have been for probably 10 years....but panic not, I think I found most of the weight again last night.  Now I never set out to lose weight, it just sort of happened.  And it may also surprise you that there is actually a word for men that lose weight through little effort and for no reason....'bastards' is that word, or so I've been told by most women I've spoken to about my problem  ;-)

I feel like I'm waffling on a little bit now and to be honest I've sort of run out of jokes, which surprised me almost as much as me being full up at dinner last night....I guess I knew that day would eventually come.  So I'll leave you to enjoy your weekends, whatever you choose to do, don't waste the day*

*i don't consider staying in bed a waste of a day

Happy Saturday mother truckers 

A week to remember.....hopefully

I had the realisation that I hadn't written a blog now for nearly two weeks, is this good or bad, I'm not really sure.

Normally the desire to write comes from having a particularly bad day or a particularly good one and I guess the last week or so has been a mixed bag, though generally pretty good.

Now I will warn you, this blog is more of a diary for me.  A record of what I did in my week with Amelia, so I won't be massively offended if no one makes it to the end.  I can't even promise it's going to be entertaining I'm afraid as I'm far too tired to be funny. 

Let's start with the obvious bad news, I haven't been at work, devastating, 9 days off, I almost wish they didn't force me to have 50 days leave a year.  The reason for the week off was to have a week off with Amelia, her last full week of summer holidays and the chance to make some memories....the only problem being I can't remember what we did.....well, I'll give it a shot.

Day 1 - I did nothing really, a good day and a perfect start to holiday 

Day 2 - Sunday and not my day with Amelia, but her and her mum, along with my parents were off to the Roald Dahl Museum.  A word of warning if you're visiting, parking is very limited in the village, and the cafe is very small.  Amelia is studying Roald Dahl at school next term so this was a great opportunity to learn a little more about him...and make a clay model of the BFG

Day 3 - the beach. So we were off to West Wittering, somewhere Amelia and I had never been but we were guided by the unique sat nav that is my friend Colette, essentially if there are two routes to get somewhere she will normally use the 3rd.  She chose to wait until we were on route to tell me that the same trip the previous week had taken 3 hours....fortunate really because if she'd told me before we left then we wouldn't have left at all.  

We were there quite early and had a good pitch on the beach, all the S's were covered, sun, sea, sand, sand castles, seagulls and sun cream....well....sun cream was a bit of a sore point, literally. Amelia got herself changed in the little beach tent we had taken along, and I had instructed her to put her sun lotion on.  The mistake I made here was assuming she had put it everywhere.  To be fair to her she had done a good job, on the front, but missed her back completely which resulted in a slightly burnt 7 year old and a very guilty feeling daddy.  Overall a really enjoyable day though, and a catch up with old friends.

Day 4 - so we had no plan for this sunny Tuesday so decided to wing it.  We did the Asda shop in the morning, oh yes we know how to live.  A speculative text then saw us heading to the paddling pool to meet up with another friend and her two daughters.  Now I know what you're thinking, he wouldn't be reckless enough to not apply enough sun cream on his daughter two days in a row....and you're right, she was well covered.  I on the other hand am 6 days into the worst sunburn I've had for about 15 years.....but pretty soon I'm gonna have the best suntan my back has ever seen, just a shame I still look albino from the front 

Day 5 - today was a day out with another friend and her son.  He had a dentist appointment booked for 3pm so we didn't want to travel far.  Off to Basingstoke then and to the Aquadrome, which was awesome fun, first time on the flumes for all of us and we all loved them.  Amelia was uncertain at first and after walking all the way to the top of the stairs we realised that we were supposed to collect rubber rings from the bottom.  Now Amelia was adamant she wasn't having a go, so I went all the way to the bottom for two rings and as I got the top Amelia had decided she did want a go, so I did the stairs for the 3rd time.  All in a very fun swimming trip though, followed by a picnic in the park and a trip to the ice cream parlour....are they still called that, it is still the 1950's right. 

Day 6 - mooching followed by Paultons Park with friends, we have annual passes so a nice cheap day out and very enjoyable, with scorching weather again as well

Day 7 - a late start what with one thing and another and we were off to Newbury to '4 Kingdoms Adventure Park'.  It would best be described as a collection of all the things kids like (soft play, bouncy castles, go karts, a maze) along with a farm and amusement arcade style ride on machines etc.  It was great fun and to be honest at £34 for a family ticket, it was really good value, in fact we only left when we did as it started to rain and we were conscious of traffic 

Day 8 - nothing of any great note during the day today, but the focus was firmly on the evening and a friends 30th birthday party.  Now to celebrate the end of her 20's, she had rather cleverly decided to host a 1920's themed party.  A great excuse to get the suit on, get myself a bow tie and do my best impression of my brother from another mother Leonardo DiCaprio, the Great Gatsby.  For a party that ran from 7-12 we did pretty well to get home just before 5am.  Overall an awesome night and with very reasonable drinks prices.  All videos of my dancing will be destroyed to avoid embarrassment....to the other party guests, I'm an amazing dancer!!!  I also met some great people, the most hardcore 4 year old in the world and the most legendary grandad, I only hope I have his moves when I'm 78....and his little black book 

Day 9 - Hungover 

Overall a very very busy week, and a part of me is looking forward to going to work tomorrow for a rest*

*obviously I wouldn't dream of resting, it's non stop work from 7-5 #commitment #dedication 

Hope you all had a great week last week and an even better week ahead 

Making my daughter cry

I've written a lot over the past week about depression, it's probably really getting you down....ditto

I've focused a lot on relationships and how the side effects of depression have impacted my love life, the romance dance, the love train.  Well as you know the train didn't make the station, it derailed somewhere between love and hate....hopefully it didn't get close enough to the end to cause any long term damage but unfortunately it's not returning back to its starting point

Anyway, like a man with solid boots, a back pack and an ordnance survey map....I'm rambling 

Today I'm not going to write about my love life, everyone is bored of that, even the people involved. No today I'm gonna talk about being a bad parent.

Now I challenge you to find anyone that thinks they're a great parent.  It is by definition a job that sets you up to fail.  Society makes it impossible to feel like you're doing a good job......'what are you feeding your baby, is that vegan, organic, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, GM freeeee Nelson Mandela

But today is more serious than that. You see today is the day that I stand up and say 'I try hard to be a good dad. I tick a lot of boxes. I do a lot of things right.  But I also do a lot wrong'.

From my understanding, depression effects different people in different ways.  Some people much more seriously than me. So in a lot of ways I feel lucky.  But one side effect for me has been a short temper and complete lack of patience. Just a lot of anger. 

Now a girlfriend, a parent, a friend, they can live with that, although clearly not forever. But they can just think 'stop being a bellend'. In fact they don't need to just think it, they can, and will, tell you.

But children, children are different.  They don't really understand depression.  Most children's most devastating situation in any given day is that they can't have a second Barny Bear (a vegan, organic...blah blah blah).  They can understand when someone is happy or sad.  They can understand when someone is busy....though not all the time.  But what they can't understand is depression....heck I don't even understand it

So when Amelia is feeling rambunctious (let's be honest I didn't need to use that word, but how many chances do you get for that one, let me tell you, not many) and just wants to play.  When she's winding me up or is playing schools rather than getting her uniform on, when she's 'just gotta finish this' before sitting down for dinner.  She's not thinking 'I'm gonna try and really piss him off'.  She's thinking 'I'm 7 years old and...look a squirrel'.

So what do I do, or what I have in the past when these situations have occurred.  I've shouted, shouted so loud sometimes that she has literally burst into tears in front of me. Inconsolable tears.

What kind of illness is this when you're making your 7 year old cry her eyes out.  And I have felt like the worst dad in the world.  

And I know what you're thinking. Ben, you're a great dad, your daughter loves you, you're awesome, I wish I could be even half the man you are.....ok I'm being silly now.  But I don't feel like a great dad.  There have been times when I have felt so completely ashamed of my actions that I've thought she would just be better off without me.  I'm sure there are times when she's thought the same.

But now I'm changing.  I've got to change.

On the recommendation of a friend I've started reading a book called 'the chimp paradox'.  It's all about controlling how you behave, differentiating (another big word) your own human actions from those of the 'chimp' inside your head.  I'm only 3 chapters in but it is already making such a big difference to me.  Simple techniques like controlling your expectations.  For instance, why do we get so annoyed when we hold a door for someone and they don't say thanks?  Because we expect them to, because we would. But it doesn't mean that they are being rude (well in this case it does but I've been awake 3 hours so cut me some slack) it just means they haven't met our expectations...and that's ok.

Now I can't apply that to Amelia, not from her side at least, because Amelia expects me to look after her, to love her and to protect her. To not shout at her for no reason. To not make her cry.  These are not expectations that should be disregarded as being her problem. These are my problem

But you see the key is to take a moment to think. Take a deep breath. Think to myself, does it matter that there is glue on the table? Does it matter that the bath water is all over the bathroom floor? Does it matter if she watches one more cartoon before bed. And the answer is no.  You only get one chance to be a child and I need to stop ruining it for her.

There is so much more I want to say, I just can't find the words to say it.  Perhaps I need a dictionary. Or a thesaurus....the worlds most well spoken dinosaur 

I apologise for the random meanderings of the blog today, though the clue is in the overall blog description.  I'm not sleeping well at the moment, a possible side effect of the medication.....why couldn't I have had erectile dysfunction instead, sleeping is the problem, not getting up.  I've been up for 3 hours today by 6:30 and in fact already been for a 5k run.  Yeah I feel productive but I'll be exhausted by the time I get to work.  Don't worry though I always get a burst of energy and feel wide awake....at bedtime 

Have a great Tuesday everybody. And remember.  Try not to be like Ben 

Time to move on....

I didn't write a blog yesterday.  I didn't write one because to be honest it felt like my world had ended.

I mentioned in my first blog this week that my depression has played a massive part in my relationship breakdown.  I realised that I was still clinging on to the hope that I could take the medication, do the counselling, and things could get back how they once were. 

Well yesterday, after pushing and pushing, it became clear that this was not the case.  It was really over.  For good.  She had just been too nice to be so blunt with me until I'd basically forced her to. 

So whilst my relationship technically ended around two weeks ago, it really ended for me yesterday. 

I spent the afternoon feeling like a complete failure.  

It reminds me of a story called 'Nails In The Fence'.  You can google it so I don't need to rewrite the whole thing, but let's just say I hammered in too many nails, and even though the medication, and the counselling, and everything else will start the process of removing the nails, the holes will still be there, and I can't repair them.

I was feeling about as low as I have done for some time, until Amelia came to stay.  She called me on the way to tell me she had her trainers on and she wanted to go for a run.  She wanted to be like daddy and run. 

Now we didn't go far, and there was a lot more walking than running, but it was great.  It completely took my mind off of things.  We followed this with a bit of Netflix before she went to bed and I 'chilled'.

It was difficult to not then spend the evening dwelling on things, but she had at least left me feeling a little more positive.

So onto today.  Now one thing I have learnt is that if I am busy, and don't give myself time to think too much, I am much happier.  So what did I do this morning....the ironing.  I know, I hate ironing, I think most people do.  But as pathetic as this sounds, I'm pretty good at it and I really like my iron....I bloody should it cost me £150.

Next up was a trip to Gunwharf Quays outlet shopping village (yeah I know 99% of you know where this is and what is is, I could have just typed Gunwharf...but the people of China and Russia reading don't know what is it so pipe down).  Amelia needed some new trainers for PE (that's physical education) at school and the shop there was the only place we could find that had her size.  10% off for a slight mark and £11.70 later she had some new trainers.

It was at this point that I made a mistake.  I said I would show Amelia a shop I thought she would like. The Cadbury shop.

Now don't get me wrong, she loved it, and she got a bag of Flumps.  The problem is I bought Chomps, Sherbert Lemons, Black Jacks, Fruit Salads and 1.7kg of Dairy Milk....£17 worth of confectionary.  I felt like Willy flippin' Wonka.  Still, I'll force it down.  

It did lead to a very funny moment though. It was suggested that by eating all of this I would get fat.  Until Amelia piped up and said 'nope, he doesn't get fat, he'll just run it off'.  Yes, I will....think about doing that. 

Back to our hometown for a Subway lunch (other sandwich based restaurants are available) and then off to the cinema to see 'Nine Lives'.  Not the most fantastic film but i left there still feline great (you see I changed the word 'feeling' for 'feline' because it was a cat film....yeah that's right, I've got the smartness in me)

And so it was the early evening, and our plan for the evening was to attend an End of Summer, Songs from the movies, fireworks extravaganza picnic.  And the weather forecast for the evening was hailstorms and heavy rain.  What could be better.

But do you know what, it was a fantastic evening, yep it did rain a little and we all sat under umbrellas, but for the most part it was dry.  Amelia got a glitter tattoo, I got my face painted, Amelia got her face painted.  We danced, we sang, we walked on stilts and we made glow stick necklaces.  All with family and great friends. I remembered what it was like to feel happy for what felt like the first time in ages.

I fell asleep writing this so it's actually being finished off on Sunday morning.  In my dream before I woke up I got a text message which felt so real.

The text message said 'I'm sorry, I really want to, but I just don't love you anymore'

I guess it was a message from my subconscious 

Time to move on.....

Stage 1 - Admitting there's a problem

Well it's been a couple of days now of blogging and generally the feedback has been really positive

It's been eye opening to see how many people have contacted me to say how brave I am, that they have been through something similar and that they admire me for speaking up about it

Unlike Enrique Iglesias, I'm no hero, just a normal guy, with normal problems, that just so happens to be bold enough, stupid enough or desperate enough to share them with anyone that is willing to read them

So as you will have gathered from my blog this morning/yesterday morning, depending on when I've posted this and when you're reading it, I was awake on Thursday at 3:15am, a frankly ridiculous time of the morning to be awake.....I wouldn't even want to 'still' be awake at 3:15, let alone be waking up then

But yet I find myself at 10:30pm wide awake and with nothing better to do than scrawl down my thoughts....in a digital sense 

Thursday mornings are usually a very hectic morning in my house, at least they used to be.  At the moment it's just me and then Amelia 3 days a week, and Wednesday night is one of her nights here, so I usually get to wake up to her smiling face....most of the time.  

This Thursday however, as I mentioned yesterday, Amelia was away for the night with Grandma and Grandpa, a night away in a hotel.  I'm sure I was told half a dozen times where they were going but I don't remember so let's say Monaco, because that sounds exciting....albeit slightly unfeasible for them to have driven there and back for one night 

I text my mum this morning to find out how Amelia had slept and if check if everything was OK.  Now I can only assume it was down to the signal problem but the only message I got back was 'signal is very bad here'.  I'm assured however that they did get home later today and everyone is just fine

After an early wake up I did at least allow myself a lie in, or is it a lay in, well either way I switched off my alarm, and was barely out of bed before 5:30 to exercise 

This morning was a standard 25 minute HIIT session, I use an app called 'internal'....now that's an unfortunate autocorrect right there, that's not the sort of workout I could post about on Facebook. The app is called 'Interval' and allows you to program in your own custom workouts, the only downside to this is it does allow you to cheat and be a little lazy so I think tomorrow/today will be treadmill intervals, 30 second sprint, 30 second walk

I think for the sake of argument from now on I shall write my blogs in the evening and publish in the morning, so that should clear up whether it's today, yesterday, this morning or tomorrow morning 

And now to the meat in the sandwich....

Today has been a real struggle.  And it's so difficult because I can write all day long about things that only effect me, but I don't feel comfortable and it wouldn't be be fair to post anything about anyone else.  But suffice say it's been hard

There is so much going on in my head, but I am thinking clearer than I was.  I've had a lot of time to reflect on the past few years, on decisions I've made and actions I've taken.  And I've made mistakes.  I've made the wrong choices about some things.  They say it's better to regret the things you have done rather than the things you haven't and I'm sort of in both camps.  I regret things I've have done and I regret so many things I haven't.  

As I have said before, I massively regret taking so long to seek some help for the way I've been feeling.  I did actually see my GP a few years ago, but was sort of brushed off with a phone number to call, for someone to whom I would have to explain everything again.  It was hard enough doing it the first time, I wasn't doing it again, so the number went in the bin....what an idiot I was

So I've talked about the fact that I'm getting help, but I haven't spoken about how that came about. 

So basically a couple of weeks ago, events came to a head and I had what can best be described as a big fucking cry. I cried like never before, because I knew I had completely balls'ed everything up, is that how you spell balls'ed? Is it even a word?

Anyway, so I got my crying out of the way and made the decision that I needed to see a doctor again, and actually get something done this time.  

I phoned the doctors at 8am, panicking that the receptionist, nosey as they are, was going to ask what my ailment was, if I needed an emergency appointment then I was going to have to be really ill....if she had actually questioned me then it was a toss up between 'I can't get anything to stay down' and 'I cant get it up'.....but let's leave the erectile dysfunction to Pele

Now the opening time of my doctors surgery is 8am, and I wanted an appointment that day so I phoned at 8am. Closed. 8:01, closed.  I phoned 37 times before I got through at 8:10.  And I prepared myself for a 3 week wait.  '11:15 ok?' came the response, and before I could answer she spoke again 'actually can fit you in at 8:50 if you can make it'.  I couldn't give myself time to think 'yep, perfect, thank you'

Now I'd done the crying bit so I could confidently go into the doctors, tell them I'm not feeling all too chipper, get a bit of help and be on my merry way.  So I went in, I sat down, I confidently said 'I need some help'.  'Ok, what seems to be the problem said Mrs GP' and with that I broke down like a fucking baby, again, I know I know, this isn't the well respected hard man you've come to know and love.  Now I'm a mumbler at the best of times, so add in some tears and a snotty nose and it's a wonder I didn't come out with a prescription for verruca treatment.

It was at this point however that I think the embarrassment lifted.  I'd broken down and cried in front of someone I'd never met, and admitted that I just couldn't cope anymore and I needed some help.  We spoke about various options and it was agreed that I would start on a low dose of antidepressant, interestingly my phone always wants to correct that to anti-perspirant, thanks iPhone so now I'm depressed, and I stink

I'm back to the doctors next week to discuss the next stage of treatment, cognitive behavioural therapy, something I haven't even googled yet but I'm sure I'll find out much more about over the coming weeks 

And that's pretty much where I am up to now, and to think I didn't think I had anything to write about today 

Can I finish by asking anyone that has suffered, or thinks they know someone is suffering with any kind of mental illness, to share this blog, or my first one from Monday (http://benjamincummins.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/a-one-man-battle-with-myself.html?m=1 ), in the hope that other people might just think 'well if that bellend can do something about it, so can I' - and now I feel like the message at the end of a soap opera 'if you've been effected by the storyline.....'

Right time to get out of bed (it's actually11:40pm and I haven't even switched off the light yet) and get on the treadmill, my legs won't fuck themselves up

Happy Friday all, lets hope it's a good one 

I'm gonna catch so many worms

So here we are 3:15am, looking back on Day 2, with my 3rd blog, hopefully that makes sense, and much like the mirror in Margot Robbie's bedroom, I will try to provide a beautiful reflection

Now the day started in what may seem like a pretty unexciting way to some, with the 6:20 arrival of Amelia into my bedroom, completely naked, telling me she couldn't find any pyjamas.  On reminding her that her alarm was set for 6:45 she told me 'don't worry about that daddy' and again repeated her need for pyjamas 

This may not seem like the best way to be woken up, but today it was just what I needed, starting the day with a beautiful smiling face and an unwavering zest for life....plus to be honest she used to wake me up by jumping on my head so it's also a massive improvement 

On a non Amelia day, I set my alarm for 5:45 so that I can get up and exercise early.  I've always been an early riser, ahem, minds out of the gutter please, and find that it sets me up so much better for the day.  But today I chose not to workout, today I chose to sit and have breakfast with Amelia instead.  We ate, I chatted, she put the TV on, I chatted, she told me to be quiet, we ate and watched tv, but we did it together 

Talking of exercise, a few months back I started a group on Facebook called '30 Minutes A Day'.  Basically it is all about being active.  You don't have to run marathons or bench press 200kg.  It's about doing something everyday, for around 30 minutes that just gets you off your arse 

It's a small group and we all have different goals and different ways of achieving them. But that's what makes the group special.  Some are just starting their fitness journeys, whereas others seem to live in the gym.  I find each and every person inspiring, whether it's the girl that can squat more than I weigh, one that can run further and faster than some people can drive, or just the guy that does what he can whilst suffering from injury.  We all have our own unique story and we all have the power to motivate others.

Now today was already off to a good start, spending time with Amelia, and as I kissed her goodbye and waved her off for a night away with Grandma and Grandpa, I thought that would be the biggest grin on my face today, but it was definitely equalled by the story told by a work colleague mid morning.......and I must warn you not to read this as you're eating your breakfast 

Those of you with kids may appreciate her dilemma more than others, but she was walking through the woods with her 4 year old son, who informed her, in a way only a 4 year old could, that he 'needed a poo'.

She looked around for some where to take him, perhaps there would be a conveniently located log cabin or maybe even a yurt with ensuite facilities, but no.  His throne of choice was to be that of a log, in a quiet area of the woods, and an attempt was made at a quick uninterrupted 'deposit'.

All was going well, until that is the sound of a canine was heard, and the sound was getting closer.  Like a professionally trained bomb disposal dog, this pooch had sniffed out the suspect package.  So my colleague cleaned up her son in a hurry, pants and trousers up, good to go. But the dog was most intrigued by what he found and all of her attempts to shoe him away were no match for his determination....and hunger.  Yep, after a good old sniff, he devoured the offending article in one fail swoop.

Now your thinking this couldn't get any worse. His owner hadn't seen this kerfuffle, there was no need to tell her what had happened.  So my friend did what we all would do, she told her 4 year old to keep quiet and not mention anything to the now inquisitive puppy patroller. And like any good 4 year old, he did exactly the opposite of what he was told...proudly declaring to the lady 'your dog just ate my poo'

We didn't establish who was more embarrassed by the whole episode but we do know the dog will be wearing a muzzle from now on and we do have a whole new definition of a pooper scooper. 

The rest of the day at work passed without anything of note and the evening was spent at the pub having a long overdue catch up with one of my oldest friends. Oldest in terms of the length of time I've known him, I have some much, much older friends.  

The evening really helped, we even spoke about emotions and stuff, and men don't really do that, so in order to restore balance we followed this up by digging a big hole, building a wall, fixing a car and putting the bins out.....manly, grrr

Overall it was a good day, unfortunately followed by a restless sleep. My body wanted to switch off but my mind did not.  As with most people I'm sure, it is when we truly try to relax, when all is quiet, that our brains become most active, going through every situation leaving you thinking about how you should have done this differently or done that differently.  You can feel so in control during the day but completely lose that again at night.  I hope that nights like this will become less frequent as time passes, or I can at least learn to cope with it better. 

Oh and I had a dream about a man completing an experiment where for 6 months he could only communicate using sounds ending with umph.  It's gonna be hard going but I'm sure he'll really tri

Happy Thursday all