Amelia doesn't want to stay with you

I've thought long and hard about this blog, debating whether to write it, whether to upload it and then whether to post it to social media (ok so it's only Facebook and twitter...but did I mention I do have Phillip Schofield as a follower)

This isn't a blog aimed at getting sympathy, empathy maybe, from anyone that has found themselves in a similar situation but not sympathy

On Sunday of this week, 3 days ago, I was due to have my daughter for the afternoon, evening, and overnight, dropping her at school on Monday morning.  This had been arranged at the start of the month, as is the routine that seems to have developed, and I was looking forward to it as I always do.  However this day was a little different to normal, she didn't want to see me

I always knew there'd be days when Amelia didn't want her daddy, days when she wanted to be with mummy or on her own, but I guess I thought I had a few years before this happened. But on Sunday she wasn't interested. She didn't want to stay overnight with me, didn't want to spend the afternoon with me, in fact for the half hour or so I was at her mum's house, she wouldn't even speak to me

Now you could argue that I should have packed her bags and forced her to come with me, taken her out of the house kicking and screaming....she'd have calmed down of course...and probably been fine, but I didn't want to do that.  I want her to want to see me, not just to fit in with a predetermined plan made by her mother and I 

So I went home, alone, i spent the rest of the day trying to keep busy, job hunting, washing up, hoovering....and that was just the exciting highlights

Monday marked the start of 3 late shifts for me, these are days that I don't see Amelia, she's at school all day and by finish time I'm already an hour into my day at work.  This Monday however was different, she wasn't interested in me the day before, and it would have been all to easy to think 'ok, well that's her choice, I'll see her Thursday'. But she's not 24, not even 14, she's 4. She doesn't have a long term motive for anything, she acts on impulse and deals with things spontaneously. I couldn't let Sunday's events cloud my thoughts for Monday. So at 8:15 I walked round to her house to walk her to school....with her mum obviously.....and the neighbours...and their children....and a lollipop person or two 

And the result of my effort that morning........completely ignored me again. Not interested in talking to me, disobeyed whatever instruction I gave (put your coat/shoes on etc) and ran to her mum whenever I tried to make contact with her....not exactly what I would call a success 

So Monday evening I'll admit, I sent a text to Amelia's mum telling her that I wasn't setting an alarm for the next morning, if I was awake then I'd do the school run, but I wasn't waking myself up just to be ignored. I was being stubborn and I was wallowing in self pity.

I woke around 7:30, no texts. By 8:15 I'd not heard back, so sent a text making the assumption that Amelia wasn't interested in seeing me.  This wasn't so much the case, but more that I had come across as though I wasn't really bothered so no reply seemed necessary or deserved

So by 8:30 I was at Amelia's front gate.....let's not pretend I'm an athlete or that this was a great expedition, it is only 2 streets away....but I did walk...even though I own a car

I was greeted with a hug and a kiss and a feeling that, whilst she didn't want to show it, she was happy to see me. Her book bag was quickly thrust into my hand, so at least I was trusted with the job of carrying that

Later in the day, I found myself needing to pop home and collect something, by chance this was at just past school end time, and I knew that Amelia was off to a friends house for birthday tea.  So I drove the route of the walk home, hoping I might just catch up, and by 30 seconds I just managed it.  She was quite happy to have just said 'hi' and 'bye'.....after all, she was off for cake and party shenanigans (much underused work that, along with kerfuffle) but I managed to stop her for a minute or two and hear about her day.

I cherish all these little moments, they probably seem quite irrelevant to most people, to most parents even, but in a life when I may only see my daughter for a few minutes in a day, they are the most precious minutes of all

I wasn't up in time for the school run today, so I was unlikely to see Amelia today.  However, I 'accidentally' happened to pass by the house this evening (my colleague wanted chips so my old 'local' seemed a suitable suggestion) and luckily Amelia was still up and I managed to pop in for 5 minutes. She asked lots of questions about my uniform, my radio, my boots etc and I got a great 5 minutes with her on top form.....like this, she's nearly as funny as I am :-)

I reminded her I would collect her from school tomorrow, and that she'd stay with me for two nights....and touch wood....she didn't say no....Happy Days

It could have been all too easy to have just ignored the situation from Sunday but who would benefit from that, hopefully I've turned things back around 

I apologise for waffling on, I'd expect people to have lost interest early on, but I just wanted to get it written down. If nothing else it will remind me of the not so great times, how i felt, how I dealt with the situation and how I kept moving forward

Thanks for reading, bye for now

The Power of Music

It is said that listening to just 1 hour of music per day will greatly reduce stress levels, help you to relax, reduce anxiety

How much music do you listen to?

Yesterday I was questioned on the value of my Spotify subscription. It's £10 a month and gives me mobile access to just about any song I can imagine....except The Beatles....but I can live without The Beatles....unlike Yoko Ono

The argument was that it's expensive, an argument brought by someone drinking a £3 coffee which lasts all of about 5 minutes

I guess the question is, what value do you put on your well being

Now of course some people will say that music is of no benefit to them, I'd say they're probably wrong, but they are of course entitled to their opinion....they're like arseholes after all...

See the power of music is not just in closing your eyes, singing along, escaping the realities of day to day life 

In the last few hours I've listened to songs, albeit unintentionally, that remind my of my first proper girlfriend, my wedding reception, the death of loved ones. Some of the songs are not great, some are outstanding.

I would describe my musical taste as eclectic, from Pachelbel's Canon to Phil Collins' Groovy Kind of Love.....even throw in some Mmmbop (and yes that is the correct number of M's).  I know that some of my choices would attract ridicule, apparently certainly musical tastes make me 'gay' or 'soft'......I'm pretty sure I couldn't be the former if I was also the latter.....though I like to think I'm neither

Music can motivate you, raise your mood, lower your mood. Bring back great memories and sad memories. It can just pass some time or make that time the most productive of the day. Whatever reaction it brings, you can't deny the power of music

As a return to the old days of my blogs, I will include some 'humorous' photos for your amusement, hopefully they will raise a smile....and if not....put some bloody music on