2 months and 17 days

I write today in a bid to continue to be open and honest about life with depression

This is the 2nd time I have written this after finding out that if you accidentally swipe right on your iPhone it will delete the whole note that you have just spent 20 minutes writing and to be honest the first draft was probably better

Now as you read the title you're probably wondering what it might refer to. If this was a slightly more 'fifty shades' style blog then I'm sure you could make your own assumptions about that one...but that is not the case...well, it's not specifically the reason for the name anyway

Today marks 2 months and 17 days since I started medication for depression, anti depressants in fact, good name that, like 'antiseptic' or 'antiperspirant'. Because once you're taking antidepressants, you can't get depressed right, right?

Well.....

When people talk about depression, they talk about a dark cloud coming over them. I assume that this is a meteorological reference, the implication of a black cloud being general gloom and a lack of 'sunshine' if you like. It's a metaphor that up until today had probably been lost on me, but not now

So let's start with the beginning of the day. It started much like any other Thursday. Amelia came into my room and climbed into my bed. She informed me that her alarm clock said '45', 6:45 being the agreed time that she is allowed to get up. So after a minute or two of adjusting my eyes to the 12 ceiling spotlights shining down on me like an interrogation room in a prisoner of war camp...I imagine...I got up, got dressed, looked at my watch, got undressed, switched off the lights and got back into bed. Yes her alarm clock did say '45'. 5:45!!

Sensing that sending Amelia back to bed for an hour would probably be a waste of time, we compromised on 6:15. Not 6:15 after 30 minutes on the iPad, but 6:15 after 30 minutes back in bed pretending to sleep.

The added benefit to me of a 6:15 wake up rather than 6:45 is that I could squeeze in today's workout this morning rather than having to worry about doing it this evening. Leaving my evening free to.....write a blog?

Workout done. Daddy and Amelia dressed, and with another fine plait in her hair I may add, school drop off done and all was good with the world.

This morning was a pretty standard morning, a brief email exchange with the ex, in the words of Charlie Puth 'we don't talk anymore'. But otherwise a normal working day

I had a banana around 10, I had slow cooked gammon for lunch at 12 and even an apple at 2. Yes, things really have got this exciting that I'm describing my fruit consumption. It's all for a good cause though. I'm being assisted with my diet and exercise goals by a qualified nutritionist and friend of mine. We're a few weeks into one of those 'unbelievable' 3 month transformations. Well, it seems pretty unbelievable to me at the moment so who knows what the results might be. We're aiming for a ridiculously vain '8 pack by Christmas', we've probably got more chance of a 2 PAC by Christmas and he's been dead since 1996 (never forgotten, rest in peace). But yes that's the reason for bananas and apples rather than Starburst and Skittles....apparently the fact they come in 4 fruit flavours does not make them 80% of my 'five a day'....what a con.

Anyway, back on topic, the juicy bit you came for, the bit that makes you feel like actually your life isn't really that bad

At around 3pm today, I said hello to the dark cloud. It was unexpected and unexplainable. It really was like the sky going grey on an otherwise pretty sunny day

I don't like to use the word suicide in my blogs, because it makes it sound like a cry for help, or worse some sort of attempt at obtaining sympathy. But it's neither of those. When people talk about suicide, they talk about feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without them, like they don't add any value to anyone else's life. And that is how I felt at 3pm today. Like if I disappeared this evening, nobody would even notice me missing, it would probably take until at least half past 10 tomorrow before anyone even noticed I hadn't come into work. And even then it would probably be mid afternoon before anyone was properly worried....and by properly worried I mean having to work out who could cover the work I was supposed to be doing

So I left work early today, not early by the true definition of the word, just earlier than 5pm. I walked, listening to music, not cheered up by the 'Trolls' soundtrack last on my Spotify playlist. I gave serious thought to going home, changing my shoes, and just walking....maybe see how far I could get before I couldn't walk anymore, maybe not stopping at all. And then I started to think 'if you're going to walk and walk, like a slightly less enthusiastic Forrest Gump, why are you worrying about changing your shoes'. What difference does it really make if it's a pair of Marks and Spencer's leather lace ups found floating soles up in the quarry....the state they're in I don't imagine anyone would even bother to look too closely at them anyway

And it's a funny thing the human mind, because then I started to think about the ridiculousness of it all, that my biggest concern if there was to no longer be a Benjamin David James Cummins, would really be people thinking 'Jesus, look at the shitty shoes he used to walk around in, no wonder he topped himself. He didn't need antidepressants, he needed Gok bloody Wan to sort out his footwear

And so here I am, at home, without sweets and crisps that I actually diverted on the way home to buy, instead about to heat up some spaghetti bolognaise before maybe taking a trip for one to the cinema, thinking, reminding myself that tomorrow will be a better day

The real downside of this afternoon is that I spoke rudely to someone that I really care about, undeservedly, and sometimes it's hard to accept that there are days that I can actually just not be a very nice person. It's probably not fair to blame everything on depression, or the side effects of medication. Sometimes I'm just a fucking prick, and hopefully the person in question will accept my apology and it won't have a long lasting effect

Anyway, like a man with sturdy boots, a ruck sack and an ordnance survey map, I'm rambling so I'll leave it there for today. Just remember that because someone smiles on the outside, it doesn't mean they're not crying on the inside

Ciao for now

More than a woman

I appreciate that blogs have been a little sporadic at best over the last few weeks. I've had a similar issue to the one I had a few years ago when my marriage ended. There's a lot I want to write about but the fact that my blog literally has my name on it means that I have to consider other people's feelings and the effect that the words I write can have on them

So it is with trepidation that I start to write today's blog as it is very specifically about my past relationship and the ongoing effect that it has on me

It has been two months now since I became 'single' again. I say single though most dating sites or application forms would call me 'divorced'. But I have no intention of forever being divorced, if that's not a label that says 'I can't make a relationship work' then I don't know what is

So to clarify a few questions I still get asked:

So is it definitely over then? - yes
Was it a mutual decision? - no
Do you think it's for the best? - yes
Does that make it any easier - no

It isn't right to discuss the ins and out of a relationship, let's be honest it would be totally bias anyway since there is no right of reply. However what I will say is I know the part I played in its failure and I will forever have to live with that

What gets forgotten is when kids are involved, you don't just lose a girlfriend. You lose a step mother to your child, you lose a stepson, and two kids lose their step-sibling (is that a word, I'm not sure but I thought I'd save the time it would take to type out step brother and step sister...time that I have now spent debating the accuracy of my statement, well done Ben)

Just over 2 months ago I had a family, in a family home, full of...well, full of mess half the time, but generally full of love. As annoying as kids can be sometimes, there is a huge joy in hearing them play together, running around, making bouncy castles out of pillows and duvets, film nights in dens made of bed sheets, the list goes on

Instead what I have now is a house full of memories. I've moved stuff around, I've tried to make it different, to make it 'my home'. But I have an empty bedroom that's door will probably stay shut until May. I have a half empty wardrobe (though at least I can see all my clothes now) and I have more cutlery and crockery than I'm likely to need anytime soon. My 3 seater sofa is more seating than we need, and I may even have to rename the 'occasional chair' since I can't see much occasion for it to be used now

Now 'helpful' people say 'you wanna get yourself on one of them dating sites'. Well do you know what, I've tried fishing for this and swiping right for that. It's not a solution, it's a temporary distraction at best, and to be honest it's a pretty good way of finding out that there are actually a huge number of people that don't want to get involved with you, you no longer have to limit yourself to the ones you've failed to stay in relationships with. So I don't think I'll be trying to find a match.com or living in eharmony (is that a dating site or a greetings card website, I can never remember)

If this all sounds a little depressing, that's because it is. But I don't feel depressed anymore. The magical medication given to me by the even more magical NHS is achieving its aim. To be honest I'm not sure if it's curing anything or simply telling my brain to forget about it, but either way I'm feeling ok in that respect. Though I had a check up this week and my doctor wants me to start coming off of the pills over the next two months, so I guess we'll see what effect that has

This week has been a reminder to me that we all have problems, even, or especially the people that seem the happiest. But do you know what makes the difference. It's not pills, it's not doctors or anything like that. It's support

Don't make empty offers to 'be there' for somebody that's struggling. I know you think it seems the right thing to do, but an offer of help isn't the same as actual help.

My phone is on 24/7, Christ I even have a watch (hang on, my phone just automatically capitalised Christ, I'm not sure I agree with that, but I digress) that tells me my phone is doing something, so anyone, anyone I know that ever just wants someone to talk to, someone to tell them that they're not being silly, just someone to listen to them, then there is an open offer of that from me

Now I have unfortunately run out of things to write about, which means I have to put my shorts on, get my trainers on and get on the treadmill. Never underestimate the power of exercise to make you feel better about the day ahead....that and the fact I get to have a massive breakfast afterwards

Happy Saturday everybody, let's try and make it happy for everyone