It's not you, it's me

It's not you, it's me

We've all heard this phrase. Maybe some of you reading have even had it said to you by a past love

But what about when it's the other way around, and actually a relationship ends and you know that 'it's not them, it's you'

It is so very easy to be self critical, very easy to find fault in ourselves, but what is even easier is to use the alternative option of blaming someone else

Ive spent a lot of time blaming other people. To be honest I had a long phase where I needed to blame other people because I couldn't handle anymore negative feelings about myself. But over the last year since starting treatment for depression, I think I have grown as a person, and as a result I've begun to see where I've made mistakes, where I've behaved in ways that made me impossible to live with

I've written before about depression, hang on, this isn't going to be one of those blogs. But I have written about it. And one thing I have learnt about depression since having treatment for it, is that it actually effects you in ways you don't realise at the time

I've always thought I was relatively easy going. Sure I get stressed about things, about money etc, the same as anyone else. But I'm the first to admit I've spent many an hour singing and dancing around my kitchen whilst cooking. And I could pretend that it was to Jay-z (is there a hyphen? I don't even know, to be honest I'm not far off calling him Jay Zed) or anything else the cool kids listen to, but it's just as likely to be Ed Sheeran or Michael Buble.....#gangster (I'm not even cool enough to say #gangsta)

But anyway I'm waffling. My point was, I think I'm relatively fun, and I'd like to think a nice person to be around. But the truth is, up until August of last year, I was an absolute nightmare to live with

Looking back, I can see that there were days when there was no way of judging how I would react to something. Would I laugh or would I fly off the handle, shout and slam doors

There was a day that I was so annoyed about not being able to collect a parcel, without ID, ID that I had to walk maybe 100 yards to collect, that I shouted at my ex partner, ignored her son (who was telling me off, and fuck me if a 4 year old is telling you off then there's something wrong) and slammed the door so hard I'm surprised it didn't take the door frame with it. All for a bloody parcel....I can't even remember what it was

I used to over think and overanalyse everything. If there was a problem, however insignificant, something that may have been 5 years away, I'd spend hours thinking about it. Talking about it. Worrying about it.

I wasn't capable of understanding that my behaviour affected the feelings of those around me.

I only ever had good intentions. I worried and tried to plan for future events. Tried to give those around me the best possible life. But I spent too much time in the future and not in the present

I've had 2 long term relationships that contained a lot of arguing. Now I'm not saying that the odd disagreement is unhealthy. I'm not taking responsibility for every fall out. But I'm putting my hands up and acknowledging that I had a problem. I put that problem on to other people. And I rebuked any attempt to help me

Something was said to me once, and this is definitely something many of us will have heard. 'It shouldn't take us breaking up for you to realise that there's a problem'

But I realised stood in Asda this morning that we are programmed from a young age to have this thought process. There was a mum and two kids behind me in the queue today. The kids were sat in the trolley and were fighting with each other.

The mum told them several times to stop. Then she told them that if they did it again then she wouldn't be buying them the cakes they wanted....she did this 3 times. Then she took them out of the trolley twice, whilst telling them it was their last chance. I'm pretty sure they were still fighting as she paid for them

Those last two paragraphs probably sound like a load of crap, but the point I'm making, a point made well by Joni Mitchell, 'don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone'

Sometimes the threat of something isn't enough. Sometimes it takes the action to really achieve something

Do I wish that I had realised this earlier, yes. Do I wish that I had gotten help with my issues earlier, yes. Do I wish I had that last relationship back, not at all.

But I'm grateful. I'm grateful to my ex girlfriend for dumping me. I'm grateful to her for not taking me back, for not helping me through treatment. Because what I have now is a much more positive outlook on life

Sure I have bad moments, days, weeks. I'm not 100% happy all of the time. I still shout, I still lose my temper. But now I can appreciate what's happened. I can apologise and make up for any upset, and I can work on things to stop it happening again

In so many parts of life, work, family, even relationships, It's so easy to try and return to the past. Back to a safe place. Never take a risk and you can never get hurt right.

But that's not how I want to live the rest of my life. I want to constantly challenge myself. I want to fight for things that I care about. I don't want to take the easy option.

My outlook on life has changed. I don't need everything right now. I don't need to know what is going to happen in 5 years. Good things, the right things, are worth waiting for. And are all the more special for waiting

I'm going to try and write more blogs over the coming weeks. I'm going to try and make them more cohesive and less higgledy piggledy (is that correct? Are they even words?)

And hopefully people might even make it all the way to the end

Useless mother fu#*ers

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What an AMAZING!! week

Good afternoon/evening/morning to you all

My first blog for a few weeks now and it's a big one, in content rather than length, well, possibly both....anyway you get the idea

This week has been a massive week for me as two important things have happened. Let's start with the smaller of the two.

So round 8-9 years ago, having found myself temporarily unemployed, I decided I would start studying, I ordered the study manuals, bought all the stuff I needed to be productive with it, and around 5 years later....I threw it all away having never opened it

Fast forward to last August/September. It was around this time that my last relationship ended. An event I have written about at length so let's not go into that again. But one thing that did come out of it was encouragement from my ex partner to start studying something again. I think it was possibly to take my mind off of things and make the whole break up a little easier but I also know that despite everything else she had always been supportive and at that time at least wanted the best for me

So it was that I decided to look at financial qualifications again. I like money, I understand it, and I have an interest in property. The logical choice seemed to be the CeMAP qualification, that's Certificate in Mortgage Advice and Practice to you uneducated folks ;-)

I signed up for the course in August. Then I began a horrendous few months of starting treatment for depression, the dissolving of my family and everything that went along with both of those. I was in no place to think about studying anything...to be honest, every time I tried, I just fell asleep.

Fast forward again to December and having received an email saying that I was soon approaching the halfway point of my membership to the organisation facilitating my study, I realised I needed to crack on. I passed the first two exams in December, I passed the next one in January and, after a small hiccup, I have just passed the remaining 4. I am now CeMAP qualified!!!

Just need to find a job ;-)

So that's CeMAP and an NVQ in housing both completed in the last 8 or 9 months, not bad considering I've studied nothing for the last 16 years!!

So if this was the smaller of the two events, what was the big one.

Well. I am now off of all medication for depression. I started to reduce my dose around Christmas and have very gradually reduced it to the point that this week I am not taking anything at all!!

I don't know how the next few weeks/months will go, I cannot promise that I will remain free from help, but for now at least I am, and I'm feeling great. I am back to exercising more, trying to eat a little better (I managed 6 weeks with no sweets, crisps or biscuits) and I'm feeling so much more positive about everything

Quick update on the romantic situation right now......


So all in all everything is currently pretty awesome. I'm moving house in the next couple of weeks, back to my own flat that I've been renting out for the last couple of years. Big changes are occurring there and it's going to be awesome. And it's just going to be me, Amelia and Alexa....she makes life so much easier and if she gets on your nerves you just turn her off...and if there's one thing I'm an expert at, it's turning women off

Have a great weekend party people

Just listen

Hello hello hello and welcome to 2017

I trust you all had a great Christmas and new year. Can I still say Happy New Year in February....I guess that's down to whoever is writing this blog. I've heard he's a handsome young fella, intelligent, funny, an all round awesome guy.....so I reckon it's safe to say Happy. New. Year

So despite the hilarious and upbeat start I'm afraid to say that this blog is a little more downbeat and reflective. It's been an emotional few weeks and it's taken its toll a little

So I made the decision at Christmas that I wanted to come off of the antidepressants, the crazy pills as I call them. It felt like the time was right and to be honest I was struggling with the lack of sleep, the crazy dreams, just the all round 'is this really me' thought process

So at Christmas I halved my dose and last week I halved it again, now down to 50mg every other day, by the end of the month all being well I will be off of them completely....and I'll find out if it's really the medication making me crazy

Touch wood I'm feeling good right now

So, an update, I've effectively been single now for just over 6 months, and hasn't time flown. It's only really the second time I've ever been single since 2000.....when I was 5....obviously ;-). But seriously, 6 months, it's crazy. Are there still times when I feel sad about what I lost, of course there are, but that's the past and there's nothing to be gained from dwelling there

Now today's blog is about a different sort of loss. And the first reason I cried this year...

As some of you will know, I am moving house soon, and as part of that process I promised Amelia she could have a new bed. A high sleeper. To be honest it has the great benefit of nearly doubling the useable space in her bedroom so it's functional too

I started looking at kids beds, found an awesome company that make some even more awesome beds.....for about £1500!! I started to think, surely it would be so much cheaper to just make one myself (please note 'myself' means paying a handyman to make one'). This unfortunately brought back the memory of my late bother in law, he sadly died nearly 6 years ago, and not long before he died he built a bed for his daughter. The perfect bed for a 5 year old, a pink princess castle bed.

He would have been the person I would have called to help me build a dream bed (see what I did there) for Amelia....so I guess I'll be heading to eBay

The second reason I've cried this week is unfortunately something I cannot post about. I will once again follow my rule of not posting about other people's personal lives. All I will say is that I've been disgusted, disappointed, upset, devastated in fact. To know that someone I care about has been dealing with something that no person should ever have to deal with has torn me apart. I feel emotional even thinking about it now.

Remember that we never truly know what other people are going through. Try not to judge without thought. They say that you can't pour from an empty cup and whilst I would dispute the fact that anyone pours from a cup, I understand the message

Take care of l yourself, that's number 1. But, taking care of your loved ones, that's also number 1. The hardest thing is trying to help someone that doesn't think they need any help. Being supportive doesn't always mean speaking your mind, you have two ears and one mouth....because to be honest you'd look really fucking strange if it was the other way around.....so remember that just listening is one of the best ways to support someone

I like to believe in karma, the idea that a good deed is rewarded and more importantly that a despicable act or acts are eventually punished....let's hope so

So I've talked shit for long enough, and I do actually have to go to work today

I guess if I could finish this with one clear message it would just be...

Open your eyes. Open your ears. Open your arms. Open your heart. And sometimes, sometimes, keep your mouth shut.

Have a great day

New Year - New Blog

Ok so I've been thinking long and hard to try and write a philosophical Facebook status about the start of a new year.

As I wrote the first sentence I knew this was going to become something much bigger so it's become my first blog of 2017.

Now I've written a lot about mental illness over the last 6 months, I've had 3 pieces published so far and received thousands of hits on my blogs. People are reading out of either morbid curiosity, genuine concern, as a self help tool, or just because what I write is really fucking awesome...it could be any of these, but the point is people are reading them.

At this point I want to address an episode of Eastenders from this week. One of the characters has been suffering with depression for some time, and this was the week that he apparently decided that it had become too much, that he was going to jump from the roof of a car park. This storyline obviously resonated quite strongly with me and with people I know. Do I think it was well acted, no. Do I think that the message was well delivered, not really. But were there things that you could take away from it....definitely

Since I started writing about depression, I have had people I have known for years messaging me, telling me that they have their own demons and how brave I am for being so open and honest about it, that they don't feel they can tell anyone, because they're too ashamed or embarrassed.

I don't think I'm particularly brave. I write because it gives me a release, my own form of self help. The fact that what I write is so incredibly entertaining and so engaging is simply down to a gift I was obviously given at birth and that's a cross I have to bear. I'm being silly, but it's true, I write first and foremost for my own benefit, and if it helps other people, and I know it has, then great.

In the last few days, I have begun to reduce my medication. I'm feeling good, I'm feeling strong and I'm feeling confident. There is a stigma attached to being on antidepressants, so much so that I bet you don't know just how many of your friends are or have taken them over the course of their lives. Personally, I think they are fantastic. People talk about there being much better ways to treat depression, and maybe in the long term they are correct, but for me at least, those little blue pills....sorry, white pills have made a huge difference.

The main thing though, aside from medication is even if you can't tell people exactly what you are going through, or how you are feeling, make sure that you have some support and find some kind of release. Also remember that despite what your mind might tell you, no one will be better off without you, you are loved, you are wanted, and to be honest you are pretty fucking awesome.

A wise man once said 'there is no such thing as talent, just dedication and hard work'. Ok, it was Connor McGregor the UFC mixed martial artist, but the point is still the same. Happiness may not come to you, but with dedication and some hard work, you can certainly find it.

The last 6 months have been some of the most testing in my life. I have suffered heartbreak, some extreme lows, some really scary days. I've scared myself and I've worried other people. I've made some stupid decisions and some even stupider actions. But do you know what, I ended last night on a massive high. I ended up at my friend's daughter's 18th birthday party/meal. Having sat in my 3 piece suit and bow tie all day, I was so happy to have somewhere to wear it....other than Tesco express....though they did compliment my waistcoat. I danced for several hours, I drank too much vodka and having got a lift home from 4 people that I didn't really know before yesterday, I found that my front door had been wide open for about 8 hours....thank god I live in the high class area of Eastleigh. All in all, a fantastic night.

Now I appreciate I've made this all about me, but it's my fucking blog so I think I can be excused.

So on to my actual point....

New Year - New Me. I'm sure we've all seen a meme or a status that says something along these lines. Now many people are quick to discourage statements like this. The implication is that if you need a new year in order to make changes then maybe you just don't want it enough. I read a statistic this morning that said 40% of the population make New Years resolutions and 8% of people actually stick to them.

Now if we assume that that is 8% of the 40% then that means that just over 3 people out of every 100 will make a promise to change something and actually carry it through. This tells me that 60 people out of 100 are so happy with their lives that they don't need to change anything. It also tells me that 37 people have things they want to change but perhaps are unwilling or unable to make changes on their own.

Now you might be one of the 60, if you are then I am envious and I wish you all the best. If you are one of the 3 then fair play, you're setting a goal and smashing it. But these are not the people we need to focus on, we need to focus on the 37.

I'm sure we've all been there, your mate says he needs to lose some weight, or she wants to cut down on alcohol, that they want to get healthier because they want to start a family. I'm also sure we've all been the one saying, yeah yeah, see you at the pub next weekend then, or 'let's see if you're still in the gym in February'.....I know I have anyway

My message to everyone that reads this is, if you are not 100% happy, be part of the 40%. If you are part of the 60% then put all your support behind the 40%.

My New Years resolutions are to get back to exercising regularly, to try and eat more healthily, to focus on self improvement through study, to continue to improve my mental health, to spend more time with friends and family and to make sure that people know just how much I love and appreciate them. My first big challenge starts on Tuesday, where with the support of a close friend, I will cutting out all the sweets and crisps etc from my diet and he will be cutting out alcohol. If nothing else we are both incredibly stubborn so I'm confident we can both do well.

Let me finish by saying that we all lost things in 2016, jobs, relationships, friendships, family members and friends. We've all had happy times and we've all had sad times and I wish that I could tell you that 2017 is going to be 'your year to shine'. But guess what, it won't happen on it own. The clock striking 12 last night makes no bigger a change than the clock hitting midnight tonight. The change needs to come from you and your family, and your friends. Because I don't know about you, but I don't want to shine on my own, I want everyone in my life to shine










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