That's men for you

This is a phrase I've heard in various similar guises a lot over the last few years

'Oh no my boyfriend can't make phone calls himself, I have to phone everyone'

'Of course I do all the ironing, he wouldn't know how to switch it on'

'Cook dinner, he can't even phone for a takeaway'

And there are so many more examples of this. I seriously hope that this is just women trying to make themselves sound better, but if it is then what exactly are they boasting about 'my boyfriend/husband is pretty much incompetent'

Now of course they'll be some that will say 'but Ben, you live on your own, you have to do all of these things yourself'. Oh, ok, so that's why so many men, who live alone, seem to rely on their mums to do their washing and shopping etc for them

Seriously, why are women accepting and even excusing this behaviour, laughing saying 'all men are the same, see what we have to put up with'

Now I accept that there are households where one person works full time and the other (generally the female) does not, so there may be an expectation that they would handle the housework etc.  To be honest though, if you've ever tried to look after multiple children all day, a day in the office will feel like a holiday. 

If you are a young man and you cannot iron your own shirt, you should be ashamed

If you cannot feed yourself for a couple of days, without help, you should be ashamed

And if you think that a woman's place is to run around after you, and basically be your mother, you need to take a long hard look at yourself

Facebook

Is Facebook there because we use it, or do we use it because it's there?

This is the question I find myself asking today after 4 days without Facebook

Now this might not seem like much of an achievement, but there were times, certainly in my old job, when I could probably refresh Facebook every minute or maybe even less....I was bored

Now I've started my new job, I just don't have the time in the day to sit on Facebook, reading, posting, sharing, boasting....hey, I'm a poet and...

To be honest I've not really missed it. 

Now don't misunderstand me, it's a great tool for keeping in touch with people you'd otherwise have no contact with, it provides amusement, provides useful information....sometimes, can make you laugh and make you cry

But can you live without it?

Have you become so engrossed in the network that you forgot to be social 

When I closed my account on Monday, it asked me for a reason for the closure. I could say I'd been harassed, it took up too much time...to be honest I forget all the options.  The one I chose was 'this is temporary, I'll be back', because I know I'll use it again, but as to when that will be, I'm not sure

I'm not on a crusade. I'm not trying to prove a point. I just don't feel like it was drastically improving my life. 

The fact that no one has noticed my absence, no one that has my number, tells me that I was not important to any of my 'friends'.  I was as important to them, as most of them are to me, and this is why I've not missed Facebook

I don't see enough of my real friends, in fact Facebook meant I probably knew more about the recent life of someone I knew 15 years ago (when I was 7) than that of someone I regard as a true friend...and that makes me a little sad

So, for the time being at least, I'm breaking free from the shackles of Facebook, no more shall I be confined to expressing my thoughts and experiences in a tiny white box, under the title of 'Ben Cummins is'

From now on it's all about socialising, not publicising 

*now what was my twitter password :-/

**the irony of all this, is without Facebook I can't promote my blog, so this probably won't even be read by anyone :-)

Muddy and Tough

So, I went for a little run yesterday. Nothing big. Just a causal stroll in the woods really

Oh did I mention it was 12 miles, in 12 inch deep mud, up and down some ridiculous hills 

Oh, and 20 obstacles along the way

Yesterday I did Tough Mudder. Not on my own you understand. As they tell you at the start, it's a challenge not a race, which is lucky because I'd have had absolutely no chance in a race 

Now normally the only thing I will run is a bath. But when we signed up for the event back in August, I wanted to take my training seriously, and by December I had gone from struggling to run half a mile to running 8 miles.  And all was going great, until.....

'Do you reckon I can hang upside by my feet from your pull up bar Colin?' To which the response was either 'no', or 'well Denzil can do it'.  I forget the answer now, but I can only assume it was the latter because less than a minute later, there I was....

Lying in agony on the living room floor, being laughed at by 4 teenage girls and my good mate, the caring, considerate Colin

But would I let this little set back destroy my well planned training routine.....do I really need to answer that

So my bruised ribs kept me away from running for nearly 4 months which left me with a massive 5 weeks to train for Tough Mudder.  At this point you may be thinking 'but you couldn't train for Tough Mudder in 5 weeks, he must be an elite athlete'. We'll let me tell you.....you can't train for it in 5 weeks

And so it was with trepidation I entered the starting zone, had a rave for a warm up, and then got ready to begin....with an absolutely MASSIVE hill, I've never even walked up a hill that steep, until yesterday...and I was in good company with maybe only 2 or 3 people actually running it 

It would take forever to go through all 20 obstacles, so let's just say I lost my warmth on obstacle 3, a skip filled with ice, my ability to grip anything having sliced my hand on a rock following the trench crawl at 6 miles, and what felt like one (or both) of my testicles on the wonderfully named 'walk the plank'. Imagine if you will, a 25ft high tower with a straight drop into a pool of freezing cold water on the other side, lovely eh

Now I hate peanuts, but when someone offers you a chunk of chocolate covered peanut bar after 6 miles of running, you flipping well take it. Tbh I'd have eaten anything that wasn't covered in mud by that point 

Having twisted my knee around the 4 mile mark, the pain got gradually worse until about 10 miles when I could just about bare weight on it, so the last few miles were done at a very slow pace. The only saving grace was my mate looking like he had hypothermia and therefore needing to walk for a few miles....so obviously I held back to walk with him, I know I know, what a great guy I am

The penultimate obstacle was called 'Everest'. Upon seeing the name on the course map, I knew it was either gonna be a steep climb, or the best goddamn double glazing you've ever seen.....it was unfortunately the first one

30 minutes queuing for our chance to run up the slope was only improved by being soaking wet and standing in a strong cold wind. You can imagine how excited and full of energy we were by that point

A few electric shocks and we were done and supping on a pint of beer and devouring a full peanut covered bar thingy.....which didn't taste nearly as nice by that point

The beer on the other half was lovely, and I'm not a drinker, but seemingly when you add a shot of whiskey to it and call it Ginger Grouse, I'm a big fan

So that was Tough Mudder London West 2014....a real experience....

that I have no intention of ever repeating

But to anyone considering or already registered for a Tough Mudder in the future, go for it, it was easy

Oh...should I have put that at the start and advised to stop reading. Never mind....if I have to suffer 

Jealously

Jealousy is seen as an ugly thing, the green eyed monster of envy. 

Someone has things better than you do and you don't like it

Now I will openly admit today to being jealous. Incredibly jealous.  

The person I'm jealous of is far more beautiful than me. She's more intelligent than me. Has so much more potential, but probably won't appreciate that. Doesn't overthink situations, or stress about what may or may not happen. 

Life is pretty simple for her, sure there will be complicated times ahead, there are for all of us. They'll be big changes, of course there will. But she'll take it all in her stride without any worries.

I think I'd go so far as to say that you are jealous of her too, even if perhaps you don't realise it. Why wouldn't you be. But I'm afraid to say she doesn't feel the same way about you.

Why would she want your life.  Why would she possibly want to swap what she has, for what you have.

Now don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying that you can't change, we can all change, it just gets harder as time goes on

My aim for this year, for next year, forever, is to try and learn from her......and her friends.  Because do you know what.....I think they've got it all figured out

No more school playground

I wrote the other day about my new job, about positive change and the future ahead of me....training dolphins....but with every positive there can be downsides 

My daughter's mother was adamant that when Amelia started school, she wanted to be around at least once a week to do the school pickup.  Now I don't think I ever saw the importance of it.  My own mother dropped me off and collected me from school each day until I was old enough to walk with my older brother but that was not the case for Amelia's mum.  She had always walked with her sisters and wanted things to be different for Amelia 

I didn't see the importance for her, I could see why Amelia would like her mum collecting her but it is only today that I can fully appreciate why her mum wanted to

See yesterday through to today is the last time that I will have been able to collect Amelia from school, have a play date with a friend, have her stay overnight and then drop her at school the next day.  She starts an after school club today, and Fridays are her mum's day to collect her.  From next week I'll be working 8-5 (what a way to make a living) so I won't be able to drop her off or collect her

I'd be lying if I said there weren't times that I'd thought about staying in my old job, complete with the shift work etc, just to allow me to keep sharing in the excitement of the start of the school day, and the elated moments at the end of the day, talking with great excitement about what had happened that day, if she'd got a sticker for her reading or writing, and what she'd done with her friends 

If I'm honest I'll miss catching up with the other parents in the playground as well. 

I don't want to become detached from my daughters education, to miss out on her excitement as she learns and develops through her years at school....I will miss the after school play dates with friends and trips to the swimming pool, the park, the gelato of a sprinkled nature 

I appreciate that many parents don't have the opportunity that I've had over the last 8 months, two terms, an autumn and spring. And that makes me a little sad.  When you get the opportunity, get into the school, look at the creations on the walls, the folders of work, savour the buzz of excitement that can only be created by 30 young children and the fantastic people that teach them....I know it sounds cheesy but it really is a magical thing 

Amelia was so excited this morning, she's going to her new after school place today, with her friend, and she'll absolutely love it. She's far more excited than if she were seeing me, and that makes me feel better.  

A part of me hopes that she'll miss me dropping her off and collecting her, but that's just me being selfish.  As long as she's safe and happy that's all that matters

So I'll be up and at her house at 8:30 tomorrow morning and maybe, if her mum allows, I'll be there at school collection time tomorrow....(though maybe it isn't fair to interfere with her mum's time with her)....to make the most of the last opportunity 

And hey, if I win the euromillions jackpot tomorrow, I'll be there on Monday as well :-)

The end of an era

So today marks the end of my time with the Highways Agency, quite some time later than expected

I originally joined back in 2006, the job promised an exciting opportunity, a chance to be a part of something new and challenging...along with a 50% pay rise 

After 14 months it became clear that whilst it may have been new, it wasn't exactly what you would call exciting, so I left....

Now the rumour is when I left to train as an Air Traffic Controller that I announced I would be driving a Porsche the following year and that all my colleagues were losers....that's just not true. Yes I was excited, like any other 24 year old would be at the possibility of a job that was going to pay £80k+ but I did not leave in the way that was told 

As some of you will know, well, you'll all have figured out, the air traffic thing didn't work out.  Now I could give a list of excuses as to why, and I have several, but the reality is I just wasn't up to it.  It's always difficult to admit when we're not good at something especially when you've talked up how big the opportunity is and built your hopes up but that's the truth

Do I think other people were successful for the wrong reasons, yes. Do I think that them failing would have increased my chances of success, no. 

So in July 2008 I found myself unemployed. Now I'm sure we've all been there at some point, even if whilst still at school, but I was unemployed with a £1000 a month mortgage and after 14 months of earning only £800 a month 

So I did what I'm pretty sure anyone in my position would do. I made a tentative phone call to my old boss and asked if there were any jobs going.  Much to my surprise, and good fortune, there was a vacancy, and two weeks later I was back in highly visible clothing patrolling the roads, and car parks....and drive thru's.

I said to myself that this job would be fine for 6 months until I found something else, something I wanted to do. That was just short of 6 years ago....so what happened

Well, a baby for starters, a baby that is now nearly 5 years old.  A marriage break up. Two house moves. Anything to keep busy....

But seriously, Amelia Rose was born, and my focus switched from work to being a daddy. The job gave me such freedom to spend time with her and it's been great.  I've been the only dad at tots and tunes. I've been the only dad at soft play. And more recently I've been one of few dads at the school doors at 3pm.  The job has allowed me to be a better father through what have been a very tough few years 

I didn't blog very much in the latter part of last year and not at all this year. I believe that personal things should remain personal, no one is greatly interested in other people's problems, unless only to make themselves feel better about their own lives

I don't need people's sympathy, people have had much tougher times, and are having much tougher times than I've ever had, and you don't hear them moaning

The moaning is usually done by the people who haven't had enough sleep, or they've not got enough money, or too much chocolate, or they've gained too much weight, or it's raining or blah blah blah

There's a phrase along the lines of if you surround yourself with negativity then you cannot help but become negative, so surround yourself with positive people.....and this is what I shall aim to do

So next week I shall begin the next part of the journey called life. More and more I am sat at home on weekdays when Amelia is at school, yet working during the times that she's off so my job just doesn't suit any more

I've told people i shall be moving to America to train dolphins, or going to work for NASA to help them design a flatulence resistant space suit....I'm the test dummy.  But the reality is, the people that need to know, know exactly what I'm going to do, and the people that don't know or don't care, just don't matter to me

And that goes for everything you read on Facebook. If you want facts about my life, speak to me, and if I want you to know them then I'll tell you. If you want idle gossip and half truths then there are other people that you can speak to.....because I won't be 

I had a text this morning from a work colleague wishing me well in my new job, and mentioning that he hasn't seen a leaving card so wanted to text to say good luck. He's one of the good guys.  It's a real shame that unfortunately what could be a decent job is being dragged down by very negative and bitter people

I don't want to end this on a negative note, because I'm done with negativity. I wish the best of luck to my colleagues that remain, and whilst this sounds unlikely, I will never regret going back to the job, it has given me opportunities that I would never have otherwise had, and given me memories I can cherish forever 

I've been told quite adamantly that they won't take me back a second time, and that's probably no bad thing, because you can't move forwards whilst always looking backwards 

I don't know what the future will bring, I enter my next challenge with a little anxiety and caution, but with a desire to do well and keep moving up.  So I wish myself the best of luck, I'll send myself a card and a present and buy myself a drink to celebrate the start of a new chapter 

Now where did I put those thermal long johns ;-)

What do you want from life?

Amazingly I've just realised that I haven't written any blogs at all this year and we're nearly 2 months in, I really must make an effort to get back to regular writing.  I guess I hit a point where I wasn't enjoying it and whilst I was still attracting a reasonable audience, the interest was dropping.  So let's start again....

Today I'm asking a question of myself. Or maybe even two questions.

'Who am I?' and 'Who do I want to be?'

Obviously I know I'm a father of 1, my beautiful daughter, I have a mum and dad and brother, I'm 30 (for another 23 days at least).....(yes I know, I only look 25, it's appreciated)....I own my own home, I think if you want to be technical about it then the mortgage company own a slightly larger share but you get the point. I am the owner of a technologically advanced automobile...I'm just not sure when it was considered technologically advanced. 

I've been in my job for nearly 7 years now, I started it, left, failed at something else and then came back to it.  The ongoing joke was that I came back because I loved it.  I've never made any secret of the fact that I came back because I phoned my old boss before I phoned the job agency and he offered me a job

Now you can say what you like about my job, people who know what it is, it doesn't matter, I'll probably either be asleep or watching tv so I won't hear you. But it's not all fun and games....oh no wait...it IS all fun and games.  As I said, say what you like, have whatever opinion you like, it doesn't worry me.  My job has given me a flexibility and a lifestyle over the last 5 years, as my daughter was born and raised (on the playground is where she spent most of her days....) (and if you'd didn't sing that last line then you're too young or too boring to be reading my blogs) that would be difficult to find in many other places.  I've been the lone father at tots and tunes, stay and play, at times one of the only two people enjoying the Bizness they call Monkey (ok so it's Gambado now but that doesn't fit the flow so pipe down) and that's been amazing.  Do I think that flexibility has made me a better father, too right it has.  Now don't misunderstand, I don't mean I'm a better father than Joe Bloggs....although he does have some questionable parenting techniques....but a better father than I would have been if I'd been working 9-5, 8-6 or similar

But now that flexibility is required less and less. Of course school pickups are an advantage, but as my daughter grows so will her social calendar, and after school times will become more full and thus my free time then will be less important so it is time to look forward

Now I think discussing salaries is a little tasteless, well discussing my salary anyway, but let's just say I'm not as well paid as I'd like to be, but much better paid than you'd think I would be.  Ok so I can only have caviar once a day and champagne is now limited to 4 nights a week, but I get by

But there is more to life than money. 

Now those that know me by my, thankfully, underused nickname of Blackheart will find that statement amusing but I really do believe it.  I am now only motivated by money in terms of experiences.  I don't need a 50 inch, 3d, 4k, double D, LMNOP Tv, I don't feel I'm missing out because I don't wear a Rolex or my welly boots aren't designer (yes I actually now own my first wellies in about 25 years) but i do sometimes feel I'm missing out on experiencing life

As odd as it may sound to some people, people that unlike me have to think about work once they've left for the day, take work home, or god forbid go in early or stay late to get something done, those people, I really do miss the sense of achievement of being responsible for something.  Yeah sure I've closed motorways, if I wanted to be melodramatic I could probably say I've indirectly saved lives (very melodramatic and very indirectly) but I don't go home at the end of the day buzzing because of what I've achieved

I've been told all my life that I'm clever, I'm intelligent, I've even got mates now that tell me the same thing. Ok, what do they know, they're not nearly as clever as me so how can they tell....I'm joking of course....they are 'nearly' as clever as me. But what have I done with that....

Now it would be doing some good people a real dis service to say that any trained monkey could do my job, and a little unfair, the monkey probably wouldn't even need training....and would have better hygiene, but let's just say it's better suited to people who perhaps have had their 'career' and want a relatively enjoyable job to 'wind down' to retirement.  The problem is, I started winding down when I was 23!!.....and now it's starting to wind me up

And now comes the bigger question. What do I do now? 

I'm 31 soon and having worked for the last 13 years full time, I would say I have at least another 35 years working ahead of me, 40 is probably more realistic. So I'm far from on the scrap heap.  And they say that if you find a job you love then you'll never work another day in your life, so maybe I could only have another year or two of working before a life time of living

It's just deciding what I want to do and working out a way to do it.....