2 months and 17 days

I write today in a bid to continue to be open and honest about life with depression

This is the 2nd time I have written this after finding out that if you accidentally swipe right on your iPhone it will delete the whole note that you have just spent 20 minutes writing and to be honest the first draft was probably better

Now as you read the title you're probably wondering what it might refer to. If this was a slightly more 'fifty shades' style blog then I'm sure you could make your own assumptions about that one...but that is not the case...well, it's not specifically the reason for the name anyway

Today marks 2 months and 17 days since I started medication for depression, anti depressants in fact, good name that, like 'antiseptic' or 'antiperspirant'. Because once you're taking antidepressants, you can't get depressed right, right?

Well.....

When people talk about depression, they talk about a dark cloud coming over them. I assume that this is a meteorological reference, the implication of a black cloud being general gloom and a lack of 'sunshine' if you like. It's a metaphor that up until today had probably been lost on me, but not now

So let's start with the beginning of the day. It started much like any other Thursday. Amelia came into my room and climbed into my bed. She informed me that her alarm clock said '45', 6:45 being the agreed time that she is allowed to get up. So after a minute or two of adjusting my eyes to the 12 ceiling spotlights shining down on me like an interrogation room in a prisoner of war camp...I imagine...I got up, got dressed, looked at my watch, got undressed, switched off the lights and got back into bed. Yes her alarm clock did say '45'. 5:45!!

Sensing that sending Amelia back to bed for an hour would probably be a waste of time, we compromised on 6:15. Not 6:15 after 30 minutes on the iPad, but 6:15 after 30 minutes back in bed pretending to sleep.

The added benefit to me of a 6:15 wake up rather than 6:45 is that I could squeeze in today's workout this morning rather than having to worry about doing it this evening. Leaving my evening free to.....write a blog?

Workout done. Daddy and Amelia dressed, and with another fine plait in her hair I may add, school drop off done and all was good with the world.

This morning was a pretty standard morning, a brief email exchange with the ex, in the words of Charlie Puth 'we don't talk anymore'. But otherwise a normal working day

I had a banana around 10, I had slow cooked gammon for lunch at 12 and even an apple at 2. Yes, things really have got this exciting that I'm describing my fruit consumption. It's all for a good cause though. I'm being assisted with my diet and exercise goals by a qualified nutritionist and friend of mine. We're a few weeks into one of those 'unbelievable' 3 month transformations. Well, it seems pretty unbelievable to me at the moment so who knows what the results might be. We're aiming for a ridiculously vain '8 pack by Christmas', we've probably got more chance of a 2 PAC by Christmas and he's been dead since 1996 (never forgotten, rest in peace). But yes that's the reason for bananas and apples rather than Starburst and Skittles....apparently the fact they come in 4 fruit flavours does not make them 80% of my 'five a day'....what a con.

Anyway, back on topic, the juicy bit you came for, the bit that makes you feel like actually your life isn't really that bad

At around 3pm today, I said hello to the dark cloud. It was unexpected and unexplainable. It really was like the sky going grey on an otherwise pretty sunny day

I don't like to use the word suicide in my blogs, because it makes it sound like a cry for help, or worse some sort of attempt at obtaining sympathy. But it's neither of those. When people talk about suicide, they talk about feeling worthless, feeling like the world would be better off without them, like they don't add any value to anyone else's life. And that is how I felt at 3pm today. Like if I disappeared this evening, nobody would even notice me missing, it would probably take until at least half past 10 tomorrow before anyone even noticed I hadn't come into work. And even then it would probably be mid afternoon before anyone was properly worried....and by properly worried I mean having to work out who could cover the work I was supposed to be doing

So I left work early today, not early by the true definition of the word, just earlier than 5pm. I walked, listening to music, not cheered up by the 'Trolls' soundtrack last on my Spotify playlist. I gave serious thought to going home, changing my shoes, and just walking....maybe see how far I could get before I couldn't walk anymore, maybe not stopping at all. And then I started to think 'if you're going to walk and walk, like a slightly less enthusiastic Forrest Gump, why are you worrying about changing your shoes'. What difference does it really make if it's a pair of Marks and Spencer's leather lace ups found floating soles up in the quarry....the state they're in I don't imagine anyone would even bother to look too closely at them anyway

And it's a funny thing the human mind, because then I started to think about the ridiculousness of it all, that my biggest concern if there was to no longer be a Benjamin David James Cummins, would really be people thinking 'Jesus, look at the shitty shoes he used to walk around in, no wonder he topped himself. He didn't need antidepressants, he needed Gok bloody Wan to sort out his footwear

And so here I am, at home, without sweets and crisps that I actually diverted on the way home to buy, instead about to heat up some spaghetti bolognaise before maybe taking a trip for one to the cinema, thinking, reminding myself that tomorrow will be a better day

The real downside of this afternoon is that I spoke rudely to someone that I really care about, undeservedly, and sometimes it's hard to accept that there are days that I can actually just not be a very nice person. It's probably not fair to blame everything on depression, or the side effects of medication. Sometimes I'm just a fucking prick, and hopefully the person in question will accept my apology and it won't have a long lasting effect

Anyway, like a man with sturdy boots, a ruck sack and an ordnance survey map, I'm rambling so I'll leave it there for today. Just remember that because someone smiles on the outside, it doesn't mean they're not crying on the inside

Ciao for now