It's been eye opening to see how many people have contacted me to say how brave I am, that they have been through something similar and that they admire me for speaking up about it
Unlike Enrique Iglesias, I'm no hero, just a normal guy, with normal problems, that just so happens to be bold enough, stupid enough or desperate enough to share them with anyone that is willing to read them
So as you will have gathered from my blog this morning/yesterday morning, depending on when I've posted this and when you're reading it, I was awake on Thursday at 3:15am, a frankly ridiculous time of the morning to be awake.....I wouldn't even want to 'still' be awake at 3:15, let alone be waking up then
But yet I find myself at 10:30pm wide awake and with nothing better to do than scrawl down my thoughts....in a digital sense
Thursday mornings are usually a very hectic morning in my house, at least they used to be. At the moment it's just me and then Amelia 3 days a week, and Wednesday night is one of her nights here, so I usually get to wake up to her smiling face....most of the time.
This Thursday however, as I mentioned yesterday, Amelia was away for the night with Grandma and Grandpa, a night away in a hotel. I'm sure I was told half a dozen times where they were going but I don't remember so let's say Monaco, because that sounds exciting....albeit slightly unfeasible for them to have driven there and back for one night
I text my mum this morning to find out how Amelia had slept and if check if everything was OK. Now I can only assume it was down to the signal problem but the only message I got back was 'signal is very bad here'. I'm assured however that they did get home later today and everyone is just fine
After an early wake up I did at least allow myself a lie in, or is it a lay in, well either way I switched off my alarm, and was barely out of bed before 5:30 to exercise
This morning was a standard 25 minute HIIT session, I use an app called 'internal'....now that's an unfortunate autocorrect right there, that's not the sort of workout I could post about on Facebook. The app is called 'Interval' and allows you to program in your own custom workouts, the only downside to this is it does allow you to cheat and be a little lazy so I think tomorrow/today will be treadmill intervals, 30 second sprint, 30 second walk
I think for the sake of argument from now on I shall write my blogs in the evening and publish in the morning, so that should clear up whether it's today, yesterday, this morning or tomorrow morning
And now to the meat in the sandwich....
Today has been a real struggle. And it's so difficult because I can write all day long about things that only effect me, but I don't feel comfortable and it wouldn't be be fair to post anything about anyone else. But suffice say it's been hard
There is so much going on in my head, but I am thinking clearer than I was. I've had a lot of time to reflect on the past few years, on decisions I've made and actions I've taken. And I've made mistakes. I've made the wrong choices about some things. They say it's better to regret the things you have done rather than the things you haven't and I'm sort of in both camps. I regret things I've have done and I regret so many things I haven't.
As I have said before, I massively regret taking so long to seek some help for the way I've been feeling. I did actually see my GP a few years ago, but was sort of brushed off with a phone number to call, for someone to whom I would have to explain everything again. It was hard enough doing it the first time, I wasn't doing it again, so the number went in the bin....what an idiot I was
So I've talked about the fact that I'm getting help, but I haven't spoken about how that came about.
So basically a couple of weeks ago, events came to a head and I had what can best be described as a big fucking cry. I cried like never before, because I knew I had completely balls'ed everything up, is that how you spell balls'ed? Is it even a word?
Anyway, so I got my crying out of the way and made the decision that I needed to see a doctor again, and actually get something done this time.
I phoned the doctors at 8am, panicking that the receptionist, nosey as they are, was going to ask what my ailment was, if I needed an emergency appointment then I was going to have to be really ill....if she had actually questioned me then it was a toss up between 'I can't get anything to stay down' and 'I cant get it up'.....but let's leave the erectile dysfunction to Pele
Now the opening time of my doctors surgery is 8am, and I wanted an appointment that day so I phoned at 8am. Closed. 8:01, closed. I phoned 37 times before I got through at 8:10. And I prepared myself for a 3 week wait. '11:15 ok?' came the response, and before I could answer she spoke again 'actually can fit you in at 8:50 if you can make it'. I couldn't give myself time to think 'yep, perfect, thank you'
Now I'd done the crying bit so I could confidently go into the doctors, tell them I'm not feeling all too chipper, get a bit of help and be on my merry way. So I went in, I sat down, I confidently said 'I need some help'. 'Ok, what seems to be the problem said Mrs GP' and with that I broke down like a fucking baby, again, I know I know, this isn't the well respected hard man you've come to know and love. Now I'm a mumbler at the best of times, so add in some tears and a snotty nose and it's a wonder I didn't come out with a prescription for verruca treatment.
It was at this point however that I think the embarrassment lifted. I'd broken down and cried in front of someone I'd never met, and admitted that I just couldn't cope anymore and I needed some help. We spoke about various options and it was agreed that I would start on a low dose of antidepressant, interestingly my phone always wants to correct that to anti-perspirant, thanks iPhone so now I'm depressed, and I stink
I'm back to the doctors next week to discuss the next stage of treatment, cognitive behavioural therapy, something I haven't even googled yet but I'm sure I'll find out much more about over the coming weeks
And that's pretty much where I am up to now, and to think I didn't think I had anything to write about today
Can I finish by asking anyone that has suffered, or thinks they know someone is suffering with any kind of mental illness, to share this blog, or my first one from Monday (http://benjamincummins.blogspot.co.uk/2016/08/a-one-man-battle-with-myself.html?m=1 ), in the hope that other people might just think 'well if that bellend can do something about it, so can I' - and now I feel like the message at the end of a soap opera 'if you've been effected by the storyline.....'
Right time to get out of bed (it's actually11:40pm and I haven't even switched off the light yet) and get on the treadmill, my legs won't fuck themselves up
Happy Friday all, lets hope it's a good one
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