Making my daughter cry

I've written a lot over the past week about depression, it's probably really getting you down....ditto

I've focused a lot on relationships and how the side effects of depression have impacted my love life, the romance dance, the love train.  Well as you know the train didn't make the station, it derailed somewhere between love and hate....hopefully it didn't get close enough to the end to cause any long term damage but unfortunately it's not returning back to its starting point

Anyway, like a man with solid boots, a back pack and an ordnance survey map....I'm rambling 

Today I'm not going to write about my love life, everyone is bored of that, even the people involved. No today I'm gonna talk about being a bad parent.

Now I challenge you to find anyone that thinks they're a great parent.  It is by definition a job that sets you up to fail.  Society makes it impossible to feel like you're doing a good job......'what are you feeding your baby, is that vegan, organic, gluten free, dairy free, sugar free, GM freeeee Nelson Mandela

But today is more serious than that. You see today is the day that I stand up and say 'I try hard to be a good dad. I tick a lot of boxes. I do a lot of things right.  But I also do a lot wrong'.

From my understanding, depression effects different people in different ways.  Some people much more seriously than me. So in a lot of ways I feel lucky.  But one side effect for me has been a short temper and complete lack of patience. Just a lot of anger. 

Now a girlfriend, a parent, a friend, they can live with that, although clearly not forever. But they can just think 'stop being a bellend'. In fact they don't need to just think it, they can, and will, tell you.

But children, children are different.  They don't really understand depression.  Most children's most devastating situation in any given day is that they can't have a second Barny Bear (a vegan, organic...blah blah blah).  They can understand when someone is happy or sad.  They can understand when someone is busy....though not all the time.  But what they can't understand is depression....heck I don't even understand it

So when Amelia is feeling rambunctious (let's be honest I didn't need to use that word, but how many chances do you get for that one, let me tell you, not many) and just wants to play.  When she's winding me up or is playing schools rather than getting her uniform on, when she's 'just gotta finish this' before sitting down for dinner.  She's not thinking 'I'm gonna try and really piss him off'.  She's thinking 'I'm 7 years old and...look a squirrel'.

So what do I do, or what I have in the past when these situations have occurred.  I've shouted, shouted so loud sometimes that she has literally burst into tears in front of me. Inconsolable tears.

What kind of illness is this when you're making your 7 year old cry her eyes out.  And I have felt like the worst dad in the world.  

And I know what you're thinking. Ben, you're a great dad, your daughter loves you, you're awesome, I wish I could be even half the man you are.....ok I'm being silly now.  But I don't feel like a great dad.  There have been times when I have felt so completely ashamed of my actions that I've thought she would just be better off without me.  I'm sure there are times when she's thought the same.

But now I'm changing.  I've got to change.

On the recommendation of a friend I've started reading a book called 'the chimp paradox'.  It's all about controlling how you behave, differentiating (another big word) your own human actions from those of the 'chimp' inside your head.  I'm only 3 chapters in but it is already making such a big difference to me.  Simple techniques like controlling your expectations.  For instance, why do we get so annoyed when we hold a door for someone and they don't say thanks?  Because we expect them to, because we would. But it doesn't mean that they are being rude (well in this case it does but I've been awake 3 hours so cut me some slack) it just means they haven't met our expectations...and that's ok.

Now I can't apply that to Amelia, not from her side at least, because Amelia expects me to look after her, to love her and to protect her. To not shout at her for no reason. To not make her cry.  These are not expectations that should be disregarded as being her problem. These are my problem

But you see the key is to take a moment to think. Take a deep breath. Think to myself, does it matter that there is glue on the table? Does it matter that the bath water is all over the bathroom floor? Does it matter if she watches one more cartoon before bed. And the answer is no.  You only get one chance to be a child and I need to stop ruining it for her.

There is so much more I want to say, I just can't find the words to say it.  Perhaps I need a dictionary. Or a thesaurus....the worlds most well spoken dinosaur 

I apologise for the random meanderings of the blog today, though the clue is in the overall blog description.  I'm not sleeping well at the moment, a possible side effect of the medication.....why couldn't I have had erectile dysfunction instead, sleeping is the problem, not getting up.  I've been up for 3 hours today by 6:30 and in fact already been for a 5k run.  Yeah I feel productive but I'll be exhausted by the time I get to work.  Don't worry though I always get a burst of energy and feel wide awake....at bedtime 

Have a great Tuesday everybody. And remember.  Try not to be like Ben