I mentioned in my first blog this week that my depression has played a massive part in my relationship breakdown. I realised that I was still clinging on to the hope that I could take the medication, do the counselling, and things could get back how they once were.
Well yesterday, after pushing and pushing, it became clear that this was not the case. It was really over. For good. She had just been too nice to be so blunt with me until I'd basically forced her to.
So whilst my relationship technically ended around two weeks ago, it really ended for me yesterday.
I spent the afternoon feeling like a complete failure.
It reminds me of a story called 'Nails In The Fence'. You can google it so I don't need to rewrite the whole thing, but let's just say I hammered in too many nails, and even though the medication, and the counselling, and everything else will start the process of removing the nails, the holes will still be there, and I can't repair them.
I was feeling about as low as I have done for some time, until Amelia came to stay. She called me on the way to tell me she had her trainers on and she wanted to go for a run. She wanted to be like daddy and run.
Now we didn't go far, and there was a lot more walking than running, but it was great. It completely took my mind off of things. We followed this with a bit of Netflix before she went to bed and I 'chilled'.
It was difficult to not then spend the evening dwelling on things, but she had at least left me feeling a little more positive.
So onto today. Now one thing I have learnt is that if I am busy, and don't give myself time to think too much, I am much happier. So what did I do this morning....the ironing. I know, I hate ironing, I think most people do. But as pathetic as this sounds, I'm pretty good at it and I really like my iron....I bloody should it cost me £150.
Next up was a trip to Gunwharf Quays outlet shopping village (yeah I know 99% of you know where this is and what is is, I could have just typed Gunwharf...but the people of China and Russia reading don't know what is it so pipe down). Amelia needed some new trainers for PE (that's physical education) at school and the shop there was the only place we could find that had her size. 10% off for a slight mark and £11.70 later she had some new trainers.
It was at this point that I made a mistake. I said I would show Amelia a shop I thought she would like. The Cadbury shop.
Now don't get me wrong, she loved it, and she got a bag of Flumps. The problem is I bought Chomps, Sherbert Lemons, Black Jacks, Fruit Salads and 1.7kg of Dairy Milk....£17 worth of confectionary. I felt like Willy flippin' Wonka. Still, I'll force it down.
It did lead to a very funny moment though. It was suggested that by eating all of this I would get fat. Until Amelia piped up and said 'nope, he doesn't get fat, he'll just run it off'. Yes, I will....think about doing that.
Back to our hometown for a Subway lunch (other sandwich based restaurants are available) and then off to the cinema to see 'Nine Lives'. Not the most fantastic film but i left there still feline great (you see I changed the word 'feeling' for 'feline' because it was a cat film....yeah that's right, I've got the smartness in me)
And so it was the early evening, and our plan for the evening was to attend an End of Summer, Songs from the movies, fireworks extravaganza picnic. And the weather forecast for the evening was hailstorms and heavy rain. What could be better.
But do you know what, it was a fantastic evening, yep it did rain a little and we all sat under umbrellas, but for the most part it was dry. Amelia got a glitter tattoo, I got my face painted, Amelia got her face painted. We danced, we sang, we walked on stilts and we made glow stick necklaces. All with family and great friends. I remembered what it was like to feel happy for what felt like the first time in ages.
I fell asleep writing this so it's actually being finished off on Sunday morning. In my dream before I woke up I got a text message which felt so real.
The text message said 'I'm sorry, I really want to, but I just don't love you anymore'
I guess it was a message from my subconscious
Time to move on.....
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